Musing at Midnight

A mother's midnight is 10pm, duh.

Hi, I Caved

Well I have done it, I ended my social media hiatus. Perhaps I will regret it, I trust my choice, I have my reasons. That obviously I don’t have to share, but I am going to because this is my blog. I shared this, kinda, before so I will be brief. Basically my hiatus was inspired by a huge miscommunication between a few friends and I over my social media. It fucked me up. I was on this beautiful high of life from finally shattering and shedding my ego completely, and then I find myself falling right into that hole again. Only this time is wasn’t my mother’s voice interjecting into my thoughts though, it was my friends’. Shockingly this made it hurt more, the self questioning.

God I missed memes, the simplest of pleasures

So, I decided to hide and I made some rules for myself for when I will be safe to reemerge back into the world. I didn’t expect it to be this easy, but I must have manifested my clarity with my previous post musing about my social media break being a summer vacation. Now I will have to stick to my other half of that sentiment, that I will continue this tradition every year. My first stipulation to returning to the internet world was that I would do so when I felt it needed me. Please don’t take that hyper serious. In a capacity it did need me, it does need me. I made myself this arbitrary standard in my head of if this may people reach out in a loving way then I will trust the relationship and their perception of me. I am crying writing this, but so many people came out in so many different ways to show me just how loved I am. That me sharing my stupid little stories and silly life actually makes people’s days better. Moreover, some people missed my words. My insight, my opinions, my thoughts. There very thing I had been questioning all summer. Do I present myself as some privileged and ignorant bitch? No. I was misunderstood. Of course though, being misunderstood and then never being extended the opportunity for clarification isn’t misunderstanding. It’s judging. I was judged by my friends. That is okay. It is human. I’ve done it before, I’ll surely do it again. C’est la vie.

Next up for my “signs a la universe” that the internet reality needs me, new rules set up. 1) I am not caring about any counts (likes, followers, etc) 2) I post for me, photos I want to share, words I want to share 3) I will not overexploit, I will let the people come to me 4) Continue to be aware of mental health, check in with my therapist 5) Block all the celebs baby (no seriously, if you use the sites, block all the celebrities, it removes them, their products, and makes online so much more fun without propaganda). 6) No more sharing my baby’s face.

Since I am married to a Missouri man I am allowed to mock the hell out of the fourth worst take in the Union. Also, it makes me feel a kinship with Chappell Roan, please Chappell, call me ‘Mommy’

So, is it absolutely ridiculous that I feel the need to justify my online presence? Yes. It is where we are though. I am glad to be back, I did miss the sense of community that can be created within the interwebs.

Guys, I Created a Brand New Form of Meditation

No, I am sure others have done this for absolute centuries in one way or another, irregardless I am excited to share my newest therapy with you all because it has been truly life changing.

Don’t be afraid to get a little wet

My new favorite ritual is my morning beach walks with Baby. We finish our morning eggies and zucchini and head to the coast. The Lake Erie Coast. I strap up that little stinker and we slowly walk along the beach where the water meets the sand. Being near water is universally one of the most healing places in this world. Even if all you can find is a glass of H2O, keep it near you and speak kindly to it. Water cleanses us, it gives us life, it is us.

If you have water around you, like a lake, go to it. Weekly. Make it mandatory. I do. Somedays the last thing I want to do is get sandy and wet, those are the days I go to secret beach. It isn’t really secret, rather it is a hidden little gem for the locals only. I choose this beach on the days I don’t want to go for my beach walk for two reasons:

1. It requires I go down, and subsequently up, an enormous staircase that makes me very winded, especially carrying Baby. You don’t want to do this? Take that bitch.

2. This next reason is far more enticing: The beach glass.

   

   Beach treasures that tell a tale I wish I could know

If you have never lived somewhere with beach glass the first thing you need to know is that it is a culture. It is competitive, it is cutthroat. That may be a bit extreme, but it is intense enough that when I go to the main beach in town I get nervous about intruding on others “territory” while we walk, so I tend to spend those strolls gazing across the freshwater ocean. Sometimes I sing to Baby, it’s embarrassing because I have a terrible voice and people stare, but I am committed to being comfortable with discomfort.

It doesn’t matter what time of day you go to the beach here, there will be people looking for beach glass. Morning, night. Early morning, late night. People who are like me, ogling for sparkles amongst the rocks. Fascinating people. People with full on equipment: sifters, shovels, extra strong flashlights (for the dark glass) and buckets full of this seascaped glass. Artists seeking specific colors to complete a piece. Tourists sipping coffee from the McDonald’s down the road, casually perusing for a piece to take home as a souvenir. You will find addicts hoping to find some beach glass to sell for a few bucks, yeah you wouldn’t expect it but apparently there’s a black market for everything. It is intimidating as fuck looking for beach glass at the main beach, if I am being honest. It almost hindered me from even casually collecting the beach treasure, in fact my first few trips I didn’t dare pick up a single piece in case someone had already staked their claim. That is until I turned it into an opportunity, an opportunity to meditate.

I will start by saying it isn’t about how much glass you find, but it is so much more fun to find lots! This is really why secret beach is our choice on these days where I am dragging my feet to get moving for this ritual. Secret beach is basically secret. It doesn’t get quite so picked through and I don’t feel as invasive. Funny, cause I am human, the most invasive species on this planet.

Now for the actual meditation:

Step 1: Stand with your feet firmly on the ground, not in the water, but where the water’s waves will tickle your toes and remind your of the duality of life. Ground and water, solid and fluid. Moveable and immovable. Within our control and beyond our reach. Take three deep belly breaths. Breathing in slowly for 4 seconds. Holding for 4 seconds. Exhaling for 4 seconds. Holding for 4 seconds. Repeat.

Step 2: Begin walking in either direction along the waterline, whichever direction you feel pulled in, or whatever option you have. Do not look at the ground yet. Feel your feet moving you, the ground supporting you, the water moving with you.

Step 3: Wait until you feel your stomach tell you it’s time to search for a spot to call your own. Maybe you want sunny or shady, perhaps there’s a log you can sit on while you search. Whatever sounds good, make yourself at home.

Step 4: Make a mental note of your boundaries. Not concrete, but just so you have a safe space to search. I like to make sure that the water is moving through my space. Then I allow all the beach glass that is ready to come to me and find a new home.

Step 6: Find treasures, find colors, feel the sand and rocks in your fingers.

Step 7: When you feel complete close out your meditation with another grounding walk and 3 more deep breaths of gratitude.

I usually let babe decide our spot which is nice, it makes the glass we find feel like it really chose us. I dig. I search. I don’t get mad if I only come up with two pieces. I breathe. I find myself looking at all the different rocks, admiring the way they feel in my hands. When I do find a piece of the glass I think about its life. Did it carry milk to a family on a farm? Perhaps it was a beer bottle from a pirate. Were there pirates on Lake Erie?¹

Beach Baby Vision

There is something…magical about the beach glass. It has lived such a life, at one point it had such an important job. Being a window and protecting a family from the elements, holding fluid, perhaps being a piece of art smashed in a lover’s quarrel once upon a time. For a while I was a crystal girlie, and no I haven’t gotten rid of my collection of eclectic gemstones, however I have stopped adding to it. I think, unless the universe wants me to have it, I don’t need it. I definitely don’t need to spend money it. There are so many beautiful and more powerful stones awaiting me at the beach.

Things That You Really Should Do

This is casual advice, I am not trying to solve your problems or preach. However, HUMOR ME, give a couple of these a try and tell me the experience you have doesn’t spark just a liiiiiiittle biiit of intense and genuine joy within you. I dare you.

1- Go see one of your favorite artists alone: I did this this summer and I will be making my husband do it in the coming year and I will tell everyone I know to do it as long as I am living. Get over the anxiety of going to a show alone. No one cares, no one even notices. Because they are at a fucking concert. Belt out the lyrics, dance like an idiot, fuck leave early and miss the traffic because you are a mother in her first year. Do it for your inner child, it will revive you, I promise.

Seeing Maggie Rogers in Cincinnati alone allowed me to swoon without fear of my husband getting jealous, a true rock star of our generation

2- Journal: There is no secret to living a well balanced and fulfilling life, it is journaling. It’s not a secret. I am telling you. Whichever medium it may take: being written in a diary, video journals, voice memos, a long monologue to yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. Talk to yourself more, you can listen in a way no one else can.

3- Send more letters: This is new to me, but wow. I don’t know what’s better sending them or receiving them. There is something so intentional about the intimacy of writing a letter, no other form of communication quite replicates it. Kind of like reading, it’s timeless. Stamps are expensive yes, but Post Office workers deserve to be supported. Kind of like librarians. And! You can be more sustainable than you think! I have been trying to find ways to recycle paper to send my friends notes and I think I may try to learn how to make envelopes next! I am going to try making my own stationary, too.

4- Using others for inspiration to research instead of taking their word as gospel: I, like everyone, have been guilty of seeing a creator post a video about >insert literally any topic< and then the next time a conversation heads remotely that way I pull out my new fact, opinion, quip that I just learned in 15 seconds. I think we need to stop and confirm. This extends beyond just these instances. Do your research, especially before you open your mouth. Or just say, “I think” instead of “I know”. Read a book on the subject! Let these tiny influences inspire expansion of our minds.

5- Sit in the sun and soak up life: Pause. Pause more. You can make time. You can put down your phone. You can disappoint that person briefly and choose you. It gets hot, you may burn, the excuses could go on. The fact is though, in six months you are going to be cold and wishing for the feeling of the sun beaming down on you, reminding you how fucking lucky you are to be here, alive, feeling it. This may be the most important piece of advice I could give you.

Look at em Goddess rays: stunning, healing, priceless

Thank you for being here, for allowing me space and for reading my words. It means more to me than you know. This world continues to fracture the very soul of our humanity and I am so grateful that amongst the madness I can continue to have hope because of humans like you. Keep being human, keep being kind. 

1. This is mostly here because I just learned to use this feature, how cool!? But also! There is a fun fact about the Great Lakes, not pirate fun, but fun. The U.S. did submarine trail runs in the lakes. So like, there could be a submarine under you…at the lake. Well if they still do it…