Hi yes, I am still here and going strong. Get used to it. Let's talk about a different part of family today, let's talk about siblings. Sarah, Michael-Get out while you can.
I am a middle child. If you go to the Wikipedia page for middle child syndrome you get a list of traits. Every one is me. I am:
a mediator
secretive
diplomatic
independent
loyal
social
accountable—ish
compromising
adaptable
flexible
I am sandwiched between a veteran and lawyer, Michael, and a teacher in school for their Master’s, Sarah. My dad says I am his “gypsy1” amongst scholars. It’s true. It’s not that I am not smart, I’m brilliant. I am not scholarly though. Not in the slightest. I am 29 years old and had a dream last night about not being able to graduate high school because I didn't finish a paper. It has been a recurring dream. School is quite literally, my nightmare.
In some ways I am the black sheep of my family. In others, if I may be so bold to say, I think I am the glue that keeps us together.
Something that amazes me about my siblings is that I quite literally could not have survived childhood and love them more than life itself. The opposite is also true at times. It is an intense relationship, especially sisterhood.
Being a big sister is, at times, too much responsibility. It’s a role I am sad to report I have failed at times. There are also times I have absolutely nailed it. I’ll share an example of each.
Some nice sibling shots, I love these goons that's for sure
Let’s get the hard one out of the way first:
I have never been much of a physical fighter, my words are where my power lies, the blessing and curse of life as a writer. When we were young we may have been more scrappy, but as we grew up she her mouth caught up to me. Eventually, our vocal duels left us more wounded than any sword fight would have.
I would go low.
Real low.
When you are a big sister, you get to know your little. Better than they know themselves. You watch them, this may be something specific to sisters because I don’t think my brother would share this sentiment. I knew how to dig deep, as did she. My final attack move though, it was killer. She had no defense and I knew it. I abused it.
I won’t echo my exact words, I wish I could say I couldn’t remember them; if I am being honest though, I just don’t know that I could handle actually seeing them written out and knowing that I had said those cruel things to her. To Sarah, the person I am supposed to protect. Sarah, my baby sister, who looks up to me for guidance.
Instead, I was telling her she was unworthy of love. The meanest, most untrue thing you can convince someone of. But I would.
At the time it would feel great to win. Is that just sibling rivalry?— Also what about that? Is sibling rivalry real?— I was the stronger person. The meaner person. I can now look back and see the word a psychologist may use would be “dominant”, that would be fair. In my house though, it felt like you had to be. I don’t think that was any particular person’s fault, nor do I think it was intentional. But in the Burke house you didn’t want to be “it”.
So we ensured “it” was Sarah.
I think the hardest part for me to look back on, over the vile words I used, was that I didn’t stick up for her when other people in the family brought her down. I am realizing again, now, that really it was dominant people I wouldn’t defend her from…I was so weak and pathetic.
It’s okay, I am a good person. I am a good person. I have learned, I have grown.
Let’s talk about a time I was a good sister. A kick ass sister in my opinion:
The year is 2012. It is October of my senior year in high school, I am living the high life. I was never popular growing up, I was for sure weird. Very weird. I am afraid to hear stories about myself weird. By the time I was a senior though, I kind of had my peace. I had my people, I was basically able to talk to anyone without fear of being looked at like I was crazy. Honestly, I was the girl in “Mean Girls” sitting next to her boyfriend so they could make out. Cringe.
I also didn't directly attend my high school my senior year. I was in a pre nursing program in downtown Syracuse, it was amazing. Mostly because I was able to cut myself off from high school almost completely. Except for lunch and gym every other day. And volleyball. It was the fall, so I had volleyball practice and games every night.
It was on the bus to one of our biggest games that I heard my friend gasp. When I glanced over I noticed she was staring at her phone. Pure shock was on her face. She looked up at me, and I knew something was wrong.
I was not expecting what I saw when she handed me her phone. I was also not expecting my rage, thank god it was pregame, if I remember correctly I had a killer game.
Twitter was pulled up on her phone. On her screen was a picture of my baby sister, a freshman that year, with the caption “Cum Dumpster”. The picture was obviously taken without her consent, she was sitting innocently in the library. When I looked at the creator of the tweet, I saw red. This was tweeted by a girl I knew, in my grade. We were not close. She was “popular”. We will call her Kim, the name I have used for the villain since watching “My Best Friend’s Wedding” with my best friend a lifetime ago. A story for anothertime
Kim’s kind of popular haha, I make a lot of ‘Bridesmaids’ references I’m realizing
…
I was furious. I also, am not an idiot. I am above fighting or being petty and responding online. I was mature. I was about to start nursing school. I was going to bury a bitch. And I did.
The next day I brought my little tushie right to the principal’s office and let him know exactly what had been done. I also let him know that I am furious. I said it before, I am great with my words.
Kim ended up getting banned from all senior events. The week before homecoming. She was hoping to be queen…someday I’ll make a TV teen movie about the whole situation. Her friends were all pissed. They spread rumors about me. In May, right before senior ball, they tried to get me to go back and have the principal rescind the punishment. That was funny…as were the dirty looks I got at ball. Ahhh…
I felt like a really good sister that day. I felt like absolute shit having to tell her what happened, but I couldn’t not. It broke me, it also changed us I think. It is hard to think of a specific point where your sibling relationship grows from a kid relationship to an adult. That day was a big part of it for her and me.
She wasn’t just my baby sister anymore.
She is Sarah<3
Stay tuned tomorrow to hear about my big bro! Thank you for being here, especially with this series. Everyday is probably a lot to be contacted about a silly newsletter. But this has been really cool for me. Mostly cause, I’ve stayed true to it. Today is day 5 of 1,000 words a day. This is the most I’ve ever written. If I stop tomorrow I will still be so proud. I will not stop tomorrow! Also, I am not editing, these are rambling journal like entries, so be gentle, it may not be my best.
Until tomorrow my dear friends!!
As always, below will be some links to allow you make an impact in the world. Remember, the size doesn't matter, intention does.
I just want to clarify, his word, not mine. And I want to add the context that my Dad is a boomer who’s trying, for him to even accept me as what he thinks that word means, means the world to me.
