Waiting on the Storm
While trying to embrace every hot day of summer before the bitter cold returns in a few months
I think more about the weather than I ever have before this life. Perhaps it is because the man I married is from the tornado belt, conditioned to be in the basement before the thunder can even be heard. When a storm is said to be coming in, something newer to me as I always took life cloud by cloud rather than looking ahead, he knows when the rain is to be expected, he has the radars memorized and the alerts from every weather station all synced to his phone, ensuring we don’t miss a message to get to safety.
He hears that blaring and his thought is “I must get everyone to safety”; I hear that noise and think “I wonder how close I can get, how it would feel”. I drive him crazy pacing upstairs by the windows peeking out to see if the tornado has in fact touched down, if the watch should be turned to a warning.
I always eventually heed his warnings and make my way to the basement, but the whole time I am thinking…what if…would I fly?
Most people would read that and think, “No you won’t fly you fucking moron, at least not for long” and I know that, but it’s one of those need-to-know-for-sure things. Like if the pan your mother just removed from the oven and placed in front of you truly is hot.
I am just one of those people, I need to live it for myself. You can tell me about how it was for you until you are blue in the face. Until I live it though, until the experience is mine, I cannot understand it. Not fully. So I have to completely emerge within, no matter how scary.
We never have actually had that storm though, the one where I would have the chance to understand. And I am not to proud to say I have no idea how brave or stupid I would be in the moment, but I am quite sure I would allow common sense to take over and take my seat in our safe space. And I am sure I will be grateful for my choice in the long run.
I will always wonder though, what it would have felt like to truly face the storm.
"Abortion Everyday" by Jessica Valenti