Too Much of a Good Thing
Perhaps I need to learn to be a bit more specific when asking the universe for a favor.
A year ago, almost to the day, my neighbor and I were musing about whose turn it was to do a rain dance to get some god damn water into our gardens. Today, I would kill for just a smidge of a draught. Though, perhaps I should be careful asking for that…
They say when it rains it pours, and here in northeastern Ohio it seems as if it will never stop. Yesterday felt like day 10 of thunderstorms in a row. The seedlings in my garden are fighting to keep themselves rooted to the ground and head above water level. Without jinxing it though, it sky outside my office right now is a stunning sunrise of oranges, yellows, pinks and reds. Just a couple of purples high up in there. How does the saying go, though?
Red skies at night,
sailors delight.
Red skies at morning,
sailors take warning.
So does this mean she is just gearing up to really make it rain later on in the day? Regardless, I am grateful for this moment, this pause in the rain.
Mother Earth mourns with us doesn’t she? As our energy is chaotic and frantic, hers is as well. Sometimes I think her emotions are signs of what are to come for me, for us. If that is the case, there are tears in my future.
It’s strange, as much as the world and people around me affect me, as much as I feel impacted by the news and the stories coming out from every corner, I haven’t cried much. I feel it, the grief and the sadness; also anger and disturbed, but I have not shed many tears. Sometimes that makes me feel guilty, sometimes it makes me feel something other than human. But then I remember I am feeling, I just am not crying. Still makes me wonder though.
Mother Earth has not stopped crying, I don’t blame her. Maybe she is the most human of us all…
Kelsey’s Ark
I have passed the midway point in my reading of the Qur’an and the story of Noah’s ark has come up multiple times. Every time I am shocked at how similar it is to how I remember it in the Bible growing up; and reminded that I must find a Bible to read when I finish this holy text.
I think it’s my Catholic upbringing and subsequent deconstruction of that faith and religious structure that makes me a bit callous while interpreting the readings of the Qur’an. It could also stem from being a woman in a world where we are constantly told we are, or should be, powerless. Regardless of its origins, it is hard to read the text sometimes and not be…prideful. Which I guess makes me, while reading it, a nonbeliever, fating me to drown in the floods.
Unfortunately for the all mighty, I have already begun devising my “ark” for these floods the world seems to be drowning us in. It seems that ours is just more of a metaphorical flood, as opposed to literal overpowering waters in the days of yesteryear.
I do think that the “Gods” are one and the same. Man. I apologize, but I simply cannot fathom these books being written by or regarding anyone, but a man. Listening to Alan Watts describe the similarities between the make ups of these religions and monarchies was far to eye opening of a moment to put rose-colored glasses back on now.
So, now we are in a world of Gods that are trying to drown us in ourselves, our emotions and the very thing that makes us what we are: human. They want to separate us from the fact that we are all the same, while convincing us that they know what is best, how to survive. The thing is, of course they know how to survive, they created flood. And by my assertions above of Mother Earth being the most human, I would now like to argue that a “god” or any similar entity is as far from human as one can get.
God’s are heartless. Without emotion or care. A god does not act in what is best for all, but what fits his ego. A god is no more than a king. And a bad one at that.
In preparing my ark I found this hypothesis helpful: The more natural, the more human.
Thus, I have prepared and filled my ark with all the most natural substances one can acquire. Love. Magic. Trust. Patience. Joy. Laughter. Turns out, you don’t need a ton of space for any of these! The difficulty comes in the release of the worry, fear, anger, grief. I find it helps to remember that they aren’t gone, simply in the waters around while I am safe in my ark.
Cliché Clarity
You cannot pour from an empty cup.
There are few things that annoy as much as when someone else is right, let alone when virtually everyone is right. And I think we have all head the above phrase once or twice and probably cringed just reading it. Well, I hate to inform you it is true. I just had to have one of my super clear and literal translations of life to understand the full meaning.
I was driving the baby and myself to the beach, we were as usual in a rush. I had a friend meeting us and I was late. Again, as I am. In my wild dash out of the house I paused and was sure to make sure and double check that I had everything the baby needed. Sunscreen, towel, diapers, swim diapers, water, snack. I then resumed my run and hopped in the car.
My thought was “fuck I am a good mom”.Then as I was driving down the highway I had another thought: “I am thirsty”
.Then, as my mind does, I fall into a scenario where I was walking along the beach with my baby and all of the sudden I collapse because of dehydration. She, being a toddler can’t even find the water I brought her strapped to my back, begins to also feel lightheaded and unwell. Then the tides take us both away. No, Lake Erie does not have tides, none of this is possible or makes sense, yet I obsessed about it for the entire 15 minute drive; guilting myself for the demise of us both. When I was just on the verge of a full mental breakdown all of the sudden the clouds cleared and I saw the lesson:
You cannot pour from an empty cup.
I am a good mom for remembering to bring hydration for my child, but without myself..I am not even a mom? And the baby would be abandoned. So I need to fucking take care of myself. Put in the extra time for a checklist for what I need. To those who have their shit together, this probably seems so obvious that reading it is unbearable, but it really felt profound.
Everywhere I turn lately the signs seem to be saying the same thing: slow down and remember yourself, love yourself.
"Abortion Everyday" by Jessica Valenti