That Thing is Happening
The one where I did exactly what I felt was right and yet...I feel so scared that I was wrong. But I wasn't...but I can't stop wondering what if I was?
Perhaps simply reading that little blurb you are thinking “okay so she’s anxious” and yes, maybe it is simply that. My generalized anxiety disorder acting up and taking over my thoughts. But I swear this only happens when I do what is really right, which is how I know it is what’s right, even if it feels wrong. Do you get it?
Here’s the thing, I have said this before: I think my purpose is to be a soul weaver. I truly think I have a magical gift that draws me to certain people and calls me to make connections. It’s one of my superpowers.
So anyway, here I am at this community action group thing meeting, and I keep making eye contact with the most dazzling woman. Sort of a Ms. Frizzle vibe, if she grew up a bit more Brooklyn. Anywho, this woman, we will call her, R, ends up being a person who specializes in housing situations. Immediately I think, my other good friend, P, needs some assistance figure stuff out that has to do with housing! I connect them, sparks are flying. Good things are happening.
Yet, I am sitting here silently shrieking because what if, at some point, it isn’t good anymore. What if R makes a mistake and P ends up homeless? Or P misunderstands R and they get in a huge argument? It will all be my fault. I could go on endlessly with other possible conflicts these two adult humans could get into and the various ways I would justify it being utterly and entirely my fault. But as I began to type “what if…” again, I heard my therapist in my mind reminding me: What if it all goes right?
No expectations. Easy said than done.
What’s weird is I expect disaster. I have always been someone who prepares for the worst and hopes for the best. That is what made me a phenomenal submariners wife. I expected nothing. No emails, zero contact. When he had duty for 24 hours, I would add another 8 because I knew the probability of him being on time was zero. I still put no thought into what time he will get home from work, because why bother having my hopes up? I am a live everyday like it is your last person, so why not just always also imagine everything is on fire all the time? Up the ante a little…
It feels so much better to expect nothing and get a bite than it does to expect a feast and get scraps.
Am I protecting myself though? Or are these the very loopholes that end up keeping me contained in this never-ending cycle of questions and answers and reflections to find meaning or whatever?
Universe: Expect nothing.
Me: Heard, you hate me.
Sometimes I wish more than anything that I could turn my brain off, but I suppose it feels almost as good to sit here and mull it over with you.
Perhaps, I’ll try something new!
What if…I just do nothing. Like, I don’t expect anything. No expectations, INCLUDING disaster.
If this works, I am so fucking healed.
Thank you so much for reading my words and allowing me space here. Below I have attached a number of links to resources as well as a number of people in this world in desperate need of assistance. Even sharing is something! Please check them out!
GoFundMe to Help Munir and Her Children
GoFundMe to Help Hany's Children Escape
GoFundMe to Assist with Fadi's Son's Medical Expenses
GoFundMe to Help Mohammad Save His Family
Operation Olive Branch's One Click Email Campaign
"Abortion Everyday" by Jessica Valenti