Survive the Holidays, Enjoy the Hibernation

Let's be honest, the best part of winter break growing up was the days right after Christmas up until NYE. Those 6 magical days. My present to myself was more of that.

Life hack: Celebrate the holidays earlier in December with your family, all the traveling and all that stuff. Get it over with and enjoy it. Kind of ride the high of Thanksgiving. And then while everyone else in the world seems to be panicking and rushing to enjoy their time off, you can rest easy knowing, your obligations have been fulfilled. The holiday can be spent focusing on your and your needs. The needs of those you are responsible for.

This year it is a Whimsical Woman Winter. The world is shit and we have a lot of work to do, I am resting and educating and focusing on the whimsical. The magical. Simply because that is the only way I can think to survive this season.

To start off this season of whimsy, I headed home to my hometown. Something I honestly don’t care to do. I love my family, but Syracuse, NY is a dreary place and when you have panful memories attached, well let’s just say it is easy to forget the sun ever shines there. Luckily, Christmas magic was in the air. My mom had set up an epic Christmas extravaganza in the living room.

It was funny to imagine how the decorations this year compared to the decorations from my childhood Christmas memories. Some pieces of those memories stuck made guest appearances. A glass bell ornament that once hung on my paternal grandmother’s tree, Russian nesting dolls that used to give me the creeps. But the main event was the new and improve decor. A train that whistled and smoked and sang songs with Mickey Mouse. A town that had light posts and trees scattered. Wreaths hung. Families running about. Child me would have LOVED to play with each piece, to decorate and redecorate the town square.

The largest tree we have ever gotten was honestly the centerpiece to me. I had always wanted one that took advantage of the high ceilings in my childhood living room. They must be around 14 foot hight. And here it was, a dream come true. And it was decorated perfectly. A mixture of ornaments old and new, as well as left behind from my grandparent who have passed. It was like our whole family on a tree. Which may sound silly, but I have a very small family and it isn’t really that close. I have relatives, first cousins, I don’t even know exist. Or that have passed away and I haven’t mourned it because of confusing familial rules. We try, but we are not perfect. And yet here we are lit up with these lights, shining bright together. It was my favorite part of the whole week.

Well besides watching my niece, Rory, interact with my daughter. I love my daughter more than anything, but my niece has been my best friend since the first time we met. She is the most incredible little girl, a firecracker, if you will. We spent seven weeks together in 2019, when she was 18 months old. For those seven weeks we lived in a small cottage like home in Oxford, England while I played real life Mary Poppins. It was probably the singular most healing trip I have ever taken. I still cannot believe at times that it was my real life. That I really did that. I conquered Europe. But deeper than that, I cultivated a bond with my niece I had never imagined. We developed our own language, our own understanding of each other and our needs. Sometimes it’s like we can communicate with just a look. Don’t get me wrong, other times I don’t have a fucking clue what is going on in her head. A lot of the time though, I get her. I get how her head is working, because it is how my head works.

So watching this tiny human that I have had the privilege to help navigate this world take on that same role, but for my daughter, wow it hit so, so deep. Rory was so kind and gentle. She offered to keep an eye on Phoebe, she talked to her and stroked her cheeks. I am crying even recalling the memories. While I would watch these precious moments all I could think was “I hope this is a memory I get to keep, even if I grow old and have dementia, THIS ONE is one I want to keep” and it’s true. That was a core memory I never want to lose.

It was an awesome weekend, with honestly a good balance of family time, me time, and Cole and me time. What more can you ask for when it comes to going home to see family? I even got time at the spa with my sister in law. It was a perfect Christmas. The kind that made me know a shoe was going to drop.

And the day after we returned from our trip to the beloved Sewercuse, that shoe came stomping down on my face with nails in its soles. A 102 degree fever had been my present when I woke up and it proved to be the gift that kept on giving. A headache, body aches, chills, vomiting. A positive COVID test wrapped in a bow to top it all off.

It still seems so strange how we have moved on from COVID and yet have not moved on from COVID. I am not saying we are right/wrong or that I have a better option. Just sharing the observation that it seems like perhaps we should continue to be a bit more mindful and understanding. Like maybe even just remember all the things it taught us about making sacrifices for the greater good. It was kind of an important one and one that we seem to be needing to be taught again I suppose. It truly does feel like the flu in some ways. Now especially that there is a vaccine and even a medication for it. An antiviral from Pfizer called Paxlovid. I had no idea it was out there but it is and my God it is amazing. Warning, it makes your mouth taste like battery acid. I am a new mom though, so I don't have too much of a choice, I need to be able to continue to function. Or at least throwing everything I have into trying.

Lucky for me I was smart this year, and I got all of my important things done early. So now I can rest this weekend and heal up and then spend the rest of December reading, making art, playing with Phoebe, writing. I get to enjoy this time of winter. A time that I think may be one of my favorites of the year. I used to be adamant that autumn was my favorite season, but after having spent a year in California I am realizing I have an appreciation for the stillness and serenity of a snowy winter season. It is beneficially for my mind and body to have these months of rest to be able to function. I think of winter as my time of processing and preparing. Processing the last year and preparing for the year to come.

This is kind of the first time I am really doing this to be honest. This is the first time I have been this in control of my thoughts to be able to plan ahead for something even as simple as basic plans and goals for the coming year. Usually that is something I think of on the fly. I am allowing myself to marinade in ideas by not rushing them or forcing them. And my new medication really seems to be helping me to remember to marinade, not let them rot off to the side.

I am definitely still dealing with accepting that I am even on this new medication and that it is working. I still find myself questioning if it is even real, do I really have ADHD? Yes. I do. I sat through a five hour assessment, I did the tests, I met with the doctors. I have severe ADHD. I think you could tell me that everyday for the rest of my life and I would still question it. I really need to work on that. And society really needs to work on its stigma towards mental health.

So here I sit, typing in the candle light as it is the only light source that does not aggravate my pounding head, planning and processing away the last year and one to come. I am really grateful for this time that I gave myself. It is the best gift I could have ever given me.

I shall use it as nature intended, to hibernate.