Never Will I Ever
Fine universe, make me eat my words why don't you!?
Finally the crisp autumn weather has taken its turn to cool and crisp. For the first time that I can remember I am sitting here midOctober waiting on bated breathe for the first signs of winter. Maybe it’s my Central New York upbringing, but my soul needs some snow.
I think really what I am craving is some solitude. I want to hide under a blanket and pretend I am a burrito and that the world is not on fire. It is though, all that is getting me through is visions of a phoenix bursting into flames so that it may crumble as soot. Just to be reborn and evolved. I hope, fuck I pray, for the first time in my adult life I am praying that the world would be different. It will be different, it has to be different.
Maybe It’s All Just a Test
If you have been here for anytime, or know me in any capacity, the constant assault on our humanity, in so many ways across the globe that it’s not even worth trying to list them all, has been rather hard on me. Just like it has been for a lot of us. Because of this, in my house we spend a lot of time discussing life, philosophy and purpose. A lot of this talk is between my brother in law and I. My husband is a much more…reserved person where Mason and I get quite passionate. In the good way, we challenge each other and push our minds. It’s brilliant.
I do love to pick my husbands brain though, because his perspective is often fascinating. Like the other night:
I went down to the cellar to check up on him and his wood working project, he made a beautiful chess board. I expressed some frustrations about the upcoming election and asked how he was doing with all of this craziness. He told me that he has decided that he thinks that just maybe this is all just a test. A simulation.
Apparently they did this lab rat experiment one time where they gave a group of rats everything that they needed to survive and basically created like a utopian environment for them where they would never want for anything. Regardless of the fact that the rats had everything they could ever want, they still ended up kind of choosing an “alpha” or lead rat and the whole society of rats crumbled and they didn’t survive. Now, this may not be 100% accurate I am paraphrasing a concept, so facts may not be right.
I can’t tell you how much relief this thought brought me.
Maybe that sounds silly, humor me…
If this whole existence is an experiment that I am a lab rat in, one in which the objective is to live in a way that allows for all the rats I am with to live happily and healthily, despite my ability to have anything I want, but I would have to hurt other rats. I am never stepping on another rat. I am passing this test with flying colors.
It was one of those realizations of pure just understanding. I am not trying to be reductive and deny the reality of the world. I am just…it’s a fun idea. Does anything sound more American than a Utopia where you can have anything?
I am not the only one “passing the test” by any means. I am inspired by the incredible humans around me also succeeding in this experiment. My village. That is the word I have decided on for describing my people. My village. I am surrounded by humans who would never step on one another for success. We have evolved passed the ideas of radical individualism and are creating a world based on cooperation and equality. We are not fighting for any rat lord, that is for sure. And we will never side with the evil rats who eat the babies.
I’m a good rat. A rat who just wants all rats to live. So if this is an experiment, who do I tell I get it and they can turn it off and let me out now?
Hello, Nurse!
I cannot believe I am writing these words:
I am returning to nursing. I am going back to being a nurse. I am a nurse and I will be practicing again. I am, clearly, getting very excited. Which is shocking to me, because I truly thought I was never going to go back.
This is the year of facing fears though, right? Of living all my “nevers”.
When I left nursing in the summer of 2021, I thought it was for sure a never that I would never be back on the floor. I thought I had hung up my stethoscope for the last time. I felt so a peace with that decision. To be honest, I didn’t even know that this was all rooted in fear. Then again, as this year has taught us, I am a terrified little baby.
I say this as humbly as I can: I am an amazing nurse; I would want me to be my nurse. I would want me as a coworker, hell I’d even want me for an employee. I never was afraid of my capabilities to do the job. Being a nurse is in my DNA or something, it’s just natural. I think what I had a fear was, was the beyond physical aspect of it if that makes sense. It’s the loss, the pain, the unfairness of it all. I think I am just realizing that broken systems need people working in them willing to fix them. And that’s me. I’ll speak up, I’ll advocate for my patients. Sad as this sounds, I think this is what I am afraid of. It’s the confidence that I lack when it comes to nursing. Not my patient care, my phone calls to doctors. I could vomit just thinking about it. I can face that fear. I can play “Nurse Ratchet”, I can do this.
I am excited to do this. My goal is to get a job in a local Emergency Room. Just work per diem for now and reintroduce myself slowly to the work force. I am fortunate enough to have been able to create a level of slow living that really works for me at home; I think having the fast paced contrast of the ER will really be a good challenge for me. I also think the shorter interactions with patients will be a lot better for my mental health. My previous job was at a long term care facility during COVID. It was like adopting 40 grandparents just to watch them die. I used to feel guilty for getting burned out, it wasn’t because I was weak. It was because I gave them 150% of myself. I worked backed to back 16 hour shifts. I worked with no aid. I gave them everything. It will be easier, I hope, in the ER to have distance. To keep it, strictly professional and not personal.
To be completely honest, I am fucking pumped. I forgot how awesome it is that I am a nurse. A writer and a nurse! Look at me go. Now people have to take me seriously, right?
That’s part of it. Maybe that’s pathetic, but it is. I feel like I need to remind the world, and myself, that I can do this and do it well. Then when I provide ideas for change, they will have to listen. I will make them listen. This may be a pipe dream, but I am kind of hoping maybe someday this could lead to me running for local office or something…I need to help. I need to do something. I need to try.
Maybe I Can’t Save the World, I Can Save This Cat Though…
One of the main symptoms of ADHD is impulsivity.
At 2 pm yesterday my husband asked me if I wanted to get a kitten. By 6pm I was filling a litter box and opening a can of tuna.
My poor daughter is doomed to be very attention deficit, however, is that the worst thing if it means you are saving animals? I would argue, no.
Now, kitty doesn’t 100% have a name yet. Cole like Muffins, I am a fan of Stevie or Tonks. However, there is a woman who was very special to Cole and I, she is the reason we got married. Her name is Irene and I am thinking maybe this kitty is my Reney back to visit me. She has not passed, but she is nearing 100! So I am thinking I will propose we call her Irene today. Wish me luck. Knowing us though, we will come up with something completely different.
Also crossing “I will never have a cat” off my never list for anyone keeping track.
~~Thank you for reading my writing, it means more to me than I can express! If you are able please check out the links below for some ways to provide aid in the pursuit of a better world. All my love <3~~