Just Need an Oomph
And I promise not to take it a oomile...get it?
All I want to do is sleep. Every second I have to myself, I cannot fight the calls from my bed, the smell of my comforter, the heat from my pad. I keep waiting for the day where the sun makes it easier to live life. You know? When it gives me that extra oomph. Each day, I wait for the oomph, each day it fails to come.
It doesn’t mean I have totally given in to my depressive episode, no. I have continued to… do what I need to, and even a bit extra; I just don’t feel it.
It is spring. The last weeks of May to be exact, I only just put my first plants into the ground, and they are simply seedlings. Not even the seeds that need to be in early. But there is no more early, we are in the late era of planting.
Such is to be expected from me though I suppose.
Being on time is not a quality I possess.
So, here I am, the tardy farmer, finally sowing her seeds. Even if it isn’t seeds, it’s seedlings. And I didn’t even start them, I am just incredibly fortunately to be surrounded by people who have it much more together and are very generous. As always, I am forever grateful.
Last week I felt like I had a bit of oomph and the weather was incredible, but I didn’t have the time. It’s always something, huh? An excuse, a reason why, a blame. No more, no more reasons.
I simply did not do it until now. And to be 100% honest I didn’t even want to do it. I was lying in bed meditating and guilting myself for not wanting to do anything. I didn’t do it when I was “supposed” to, while the kid was napping. I made her fuss through it with me after we both ended up getting some rest.
It was rest.
Rest is productive.
Silly, how much I beat myself up for allowing myself to get the one thing that we always could use: rest. A fucking break. This world is an absolute dumpster fire, and the dumpster is full of shit. No more do I guilt myself for lying down for an hour when people are out there selling their souls and the lives of others.
Isn’t that even sillier? How much people like you and me, well I assume like you, feel guilt for existing even the slightest bit selfishly or differently and yet there are people like Jeff Bezos out there literally dancing on the graves of others, and do you think that man has ever felt guilt once for closing his eyes? And I imagine he is doing so on a lot more private jets, spas, and luxury hotels than any of us are. So why? Why is it that I am thirty years old and still cannot take a fucking nap without feeling like I deserve to be punished for it. No matter how much I justify the nap, it will inevitably cause me pain. Is that how it will always be? Or is this just the anxiety I use simply set aside? That new neuropathway I must forge? I suppose this is getting to be a line of questioning for the shrink…
Am I alone though?
It’s funny as I typed that I forgot what I even really meant by it. I mean it…in every essence of the question. Am I alone? In this experience. I don’t mean am I the singular being or lifeform, but am I the only one to live and exist and experience like this? Is there no one who can help guide me as to what it all means, or how to just make it 5% easier? Just take the nap guilt away…please.
I wake, and I do.
I am not allowing my sluggish affect to keep me from doing. I did the planting late, but I did it. I am no longer waking up at 4am for three hours of uninterrupted me time; I wake up around 6am with enough time to do my readings/devotional and journal. I don’t feel like cooking or doing the dishes, but I find a way to throw together something that resembles a balanced meal.
It does not mean I am not depressed. I am just functioning. I need to remember that. To stop putting pressure on me to be “better”, chances are I never really will be. I am just grateful for the support that I do have, that it allows me to function like this because I don’t have to be afraid. I have security. For the first time in my life I feel like the safety net that is surrounding me is not simply hypothetical, but real. I worked so hard to build it there, and I never could have done it alone.
I think the biggest comfort in the security is simply the knowing that all will be okay, that time will continue to move on and therefor I will continue to have the opportunities to learn, adapt, and evolve. It’s the trust I have in myself from the steps of this journey I have already walked.
Maybe it sounds full of myself, but I am so fucking proud of who I am and how far I have come. Even if I am still a depressed stoner, I am a depressed stoner who knows who the fuck she is.
And that she needs her blankie.
Thank you so much for being here and reading my words. I truly cannot explain how healing it has been for me to have this silly little blog. I hope you take the time you need today to rest and fill your cup. You deserve it, we all do.
Below I am sharing some resources and links for your own enrichment as well as someways to enrich the lives of others!