I Like to Keep Even Me on My Toes
Truly, I live my life not knowing what it is I am going to do next 90% of the time, and I think I love it about myself. I am sorry to those who love me, you must get whiplash...
Months ago, back in September, I started writing a piece I had titled “I Found My Church”. I was writing about having spent a Sunday morning with the praying mantises in my autumn field. It felt the closest to church anything has since I was a young girl.
Watching the rising sun’s rays shining through the tall grass, highlighting an array of these magnificent insects. It felt like I had stumbled a secret congregation gathering for their morning worship.
I was raised Catholic, I was even confirmed and all that jazz. I subsequently stopped going to church after leaving home. I still attended on Christmas and the occasional Easter. Typically in adulthood weddings have been the only reason I have attended a church.
If you were raised Catholic maybe you can resonate with those feelings. Something about a Catholic Church just gives off judgmental vibes. Like how Baptist gives homophobic. And they all seem to give pedophilic. Deep breaths Kels, the remember the point, remember the point. An experience with any one particular sect or member of a religion/race/gender/nationality/sexuality/ability/beliefs does not define all members. I always thought of myself as such a loving and open person, I am realizing that perhaps that closed me off more.
So, last Sunday I was driving back from donating clothes and buying bananas when I remembered my neighbor inviting us to her church a year ago. It was right down the road and I knew that it began at 09:30. The time then was 09:25. Before I really knew what I was doing I was in the parking lot and turning off my car.
In our pajamas Baby and I walked in and found seats.
The whole group was singing and Baby’s eyes lit right up. They have loved music forever, but this was different. This was live. And belief in God or not, something about humans singing with love and passion is always moving to me. “La Marseillaise” really gets me.
The first song ended and was followed by “Amazing Grace”. The most unexpected thing happened. I started crying. I could help it. Baby was stroking my face and giggling and smiling. I was surrounded by 20 people who were welcoming us with love and open arms. Even though they were Christians. When the song ended and the readings began Baby ran around and said “Hi” to anyone they could find. My neighbor was the first stop. If I am being honest, I think she was shocked to see us. Like I said, she invited us a year ago.
If me a year ago could see me, Elizabeth Kelsey, entering a church and remaining for the entirety of the sermon, honestly, she’d be fucking pissed. Honestly, I felt her be angry at me. I felt her calling me a hypocrite. Berating me for going back on saying I would never go to church or be religious. Luckily, because I am this divinely healed and incredible being*, I was able to release that judgement fairly quickly. (*please note the sarcasm, I just have a great therapist)
Then I remembered I am my own fucking person. No one else will be in my head. Church is what I make it. This church I am making my community first and foremost. It is tiny, multi devotional. It is a mile down the road and everyone who attends is my neighbor. Everyone who attends is an entire being I can learn from. Maybe I can teach something.
I am a deeply spiritual person. Even when I was being raised in Catholicism, while I didn’t believe in it as gospel, I loved the stories, the intention. The base of religion is one of the most beautiful things in the world. That’s why it’s so powerful. True devotion is something I find to be the greatest mystery. A divine mystery. Therefore, I am deeply in awe of it.
My favorite part being that we are all able to find these different avenues to this devotion. Our faith and hope comes from a million different stories, but the true origin of it all is the same and in the center of all of us.
This year I am working through “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo as a daily devotional. One day the mediation was to think of every being as spokes on a wheel. With one end out towards the edge of the wheel, the other in the center near all the other spokes. All coming together. Nepo wrote about how we are each like a spoke on a wheel. We each have unique attributes that are only ours, at the other end though, it is the same thing in each of us.
So I can attend this nondenominational church, read the Qur’an and know that evolution is real. I can have nuance, I can be deep and have ridges and nooks and crannies full of questions and sparkle.
I am Elizabeth Kelsey after all.
Something I do believe in is fate though, so I must tell you this synchronicity that makes me believe I am meant to be a part of this church. The day I randomly decided to do the most not me thing in the world was the same day the church had a new Pastor giving the sermon. The last one retired and now this one was stepping in.
She was a young woman, I believe she said from Korea. She was so kind and welcoming. She loved baby so much. I was sure to shake her hand after.
Again, before I knew it I had made plans for her and her family to come over next week after church to get to know her better. Plus, this was I can vet the church a little more and make sure it fully aligns with my values and morals.
It can’t have been a coincidence that I attended that day.
It must mean something. As soon as I figure it out, I will let you know. Promise<3
As always, thank you for being here, reading and supporting my work. To exist in this online world today I cannot do so without bringing attention to the atrocities existing throughout our worlds. The fires in LA began just a couple of days ago and I will be attaching some donation links to assist those displaced by the fires as well as the immigrants and prisoners fighting the fires, and liking rebuilding after.
I also must point out that no word has been given about Dr. Hussam Abu Safiya, director of Kamal Aswan Hospital in North Gaza. His mother passed away of a heart attack just a few days ago and will never know the fate of her son, a hero. Below is a link to locate your representatives. I urge you to make phone calls and send emails asking them to intervene. Especially as Tr*mp prepares to take office.
Also you will find links to multiple GoFundMe’s for those effected by the genocide in Gaza. Donate, share, do what you can.
Be grateful for all you have in this world and hold your loved ones tight.
LA Homeless Services Authority
This is About Humanity Supporting Migrant Farm Workers
GoFundMe to Help Save Wafa's Family
GoFundMe to Save Munir's Family in Gaza
GoFundMe to Save Hany's Family in Gaza
GoFundMe to Help with Fadi's Son's Medical Expenses
GoFundMe to Save Mohammad's Family in Gaza
GoFundMe to Help Save Bsmala's Family in Gaza
Operation Olive Branch's One Click Email Campaign
Code Pink's Petition to Release Dr. Abu Safiya
Love this, love you. I really admire how open and dedicated you are to learning more about yourself, always diving deeper.
“So I can attend this nondenominational church, read the Qur’an and know that evolution is real. I can have nuance, I can be deep and have ridges and nooks and crannies full of questions and sparkle.
I am Elizabeth Kelsey after all.”
^reading this I was nodding and going “YESSSSSSSS!!!”