I Have a Story to Finish
While, yes I failed my November reflection "challenge", and I accept that, I do still want to kind of wrap up the month with some final thoughts on the start of the holiday season.
I know, the pieces I shared during my month of reflection didn’t really all connect, but a lot of them were sharing a similar theme. You know me, I don’t plan, so I just wrote from the heart.
Family was a heavy theme, as well as the holiday traditions of mine. So I want to kind of complete those thoughts.
First of all, I cannot stress to you one thing about my Nana, she was the OG “hostess with the mostess”. The area she really stood out: desserts. This is because sweets were in her blood.
In the 1900s her family, the Kallfelz’s, ran a bakery in Syracuse, NY. Kallfelz Bros. Baking Co., Inc. The building where it lived still exists today, tile bakery sign still visible, though there are a lot of other signs on the building now too. My grandparents actually met here, at the bakery. My grandfather helped bake the bread, Nana worked the cash register. Baking is why I am able to sit here today writing to you.
Nana’s specialties included: pecan pie, pumpkin pie, German chocolate cake, cookies of any kind, and this strange fruit bread that as a child I hated, but now I would kill for the opportunity to taste again. Maybe it’s an adult thing, fruit cake.
I loved going over early to help her set up for everyone. I would help set the table, I would hang decorations, entertain Papa. Mostly, I would watch her. How she buzzed around the kitchen getting her home ready to host 20-25 people, not breaking a sweat, and preparing desserts. She never swore, got frustrated, raised her voice. She never got annoyed with me constantly being in her way. She would forgive me if I messed something up. It was my peaceful place, with Nana in her kitchen.
I didn’t realize how much I really was inspired by her growing up, the impact she made on me. I always knew she’s my grandma, I love her of course and she’s amazing. It wasn’t until I was much older though, that I realized that she actually was an incredibly strong woman. Selfless as fuck.
My father has been sober for almost 27 years, actually it may be 27 years this month. I was about three when he stopped drinking. He wasn’t violent or aggressive when he was drunk, but he wasn’t good. He was out of control and irresponsible. He was a dad now, my mother rightfully told him it was time to grow up. He had three children at this point. He did. A huge piece of strength for him to do that came from my Nana.
Did you know that strength is transferable? You can share it, or maybe just some people can. Nana could. When my Dad decided it was time for him to give up alcohol, his addiction, Nana decided to give up hers too. To give up the thing she loves more than anything to show her son just how much she loved and supported him; so she could give him strength. The queen of sweets gave up chocolate for the rest of her life.
I still don’t think I can fully comprehend just how selfless that was. I am still in awe of her.
Eventually, over the years the gang that got together back in the day for these holidays like Thanksgiving kind of grew apart. As the elders began to die or get too sick to travel, my parents generation within the group kind of shifted to focusing on their own families. Holidays started getting celebrated at my house and were smaller. Much smaller. Just my immediate family and maybe a couple grandparents and my aunts.
It was sad. It became less of a celebration and more of a chore. It was like going through motions of celebrating without having something to celebrate. For instance, my family all left the church, so Christmas is…nothing to us now? Yet, we gather, because we exist in this world and this is when people have time off to gather.
Over the years I really became jaded about these last months of the year. Swearing I hated them and dreading the sound of “Jingle Bells” following me through the market. I would continue to attend the things and do the motions and I am not trying to say, I haven’t had a good holiday since childhood. I just, they’ve been different.
It’s shifted again. My views on this season, this time of year.
For one, I found meaning for it. Meaning that has no ties in the slaughter of countless indigenous peoples or a baby being born in a stable.
Tis the season of gratitude, a little homage to Thanksgiving but with a true focus on the thanks.
An eight week season at the end of the year where, in my family, we honor ourselves, each other, our soul family, & our world. Presents aren’t a focus. Black Friday is black listed.
This year we kicked off gratitude season with our friends from town. Just a small gathering of the families to share love and a meal. It was perfect. As close to perfect as it could be. It felt more like one of those childhood gatherings I remember. It had feeling, it had love. It didn’t have expectation.
I think this is my role, in my soul family.
First, to gather the souls. I think I have a unique gift of knowing who will fit well with each other. In another life I would love to be a match maker. I have the most beautiful collection of beings in my life, all so complementary of each other in such diverse ways. It may be the thing I am most grateful for, my deep web of love.
Second duty in soul family: be grounding rod.
Nothing in my family ever felt permanent, not even our seat at the table. Everything seemed to be conditional, yet conditions were never laid out. So it was just scary, unsafe and confusing.
Not here. First of all, here is forever. My home is a safe space for myself and all those I love. Lucky for the world that is everyone! Obviously within reason. I am stepping into the “hostess with the mostess” era. It is my time to gather, to host the love. To nourish it and allow others to nourish each other. So starting next year I will have two feasts a year. One at the opening and one at the close of gratitude season. All of my soul family will be welcome, along with all of their guests. Along with anyone else in need of safety and love, and willing to return.
I’ve never looked forward to a holiday season before, but I think I am finally starting to get it.
Below I have provided some links and resources for you to explore. The world is dark and scary but together we can shine our lights. Be love and give love friends.
GoFundMe to Help Save Fadi's Son
GoFundMe to Help Save Mohammed's Family in Gaza
GoFundMe to Help Save Bsmala's Family in Gaza