I Feel the Earth Move
And I am learning that no matter how hard I try I cannot make it still. It is time to let it be, and let it flow.
Personifying My Seeds
As we creep slowly to the beginning of garden season I find myself daydreaming of the the joy my plants will fill to be planted. To feel themselves be sowed in a new home. Safe, ready to be nurtured and nourished. And I am ready to provide.
I am so, so ready to provide.
It’s hard not to sit here at my desk, listening to the songs of the birds flowing in from the window I have been patiently waiting to have open, and lose myself in daydreams of seedlings sprouting, excited to greet each other. Await to see who may be their neighbor. Does a young broccoli turn her leaf if she spots a tomato growing in the next row over? I can’t imagine she does.
It’s hard to imagine any true hatred, prejudice, in the natural world. Violence, sure. But it is survival based. Humans, we make it personal.
A seedling though, like a child, it sees with nothing but wonder.
Now, I try to imagine being like that myself, seeing with only open eyes, only an open heart. Running towards instead of away from fear. Chasing down what I do not understand, until I can wrap myself around; it unable to know where we end and it begins. I wonder if I could wonder so deep that I wonder up questions I never knew to question before.
We have so much to learn from them, the seeds.
These tiny parcels of hope.
Gifts from the G-ds.
It Was That Simple All Along
As I have been existing in my life, curious about how it is that I function; what makes me tick. In doing this research I had always come back to two scary sounding words: autism and ADHD.
Years have past since I first asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” and I have even learned a new one that applies: OCPD. Yet with all three of these very applicable diagnoses one thing always made me question myself before committing: dependency on routine.
This couldn’t be further from me. A totally different spectrum. In fact, I had until that point been spending my entire life trying again and again to do just this, create a routine. Morning after morning I would beat myself up for snoozing the alarm after lying awake for hours the night before, hyper-fixated or stuck in a cycle of rumination. I would shame myself for not being able to commit to meals, or really anything. I live a life where I think the only thing I did consistently everyday was drink water and smoke weed.
And then a year ago my life changed in a way I never expected. I found myself feeling abandoned and broken. It felt as if I had tried my very hardest to fit this mold everyone had expected of me, and finally I was too big. I was bursting out and there was no stopping it and existing.
So I let go.
I exploded into a million tiny pieces. Pieces that sparkled and shined in the light of the full moon like I didn't know I could shine. And you want to know something, those pieces never came back together. Not really. Instead the continue to be suspended all around each other, held together by a gravitation of love that leaves room between the particles of the material me, for the true me.
When I created that space for the true me and began to listen to her and what she told me she needed everything changed profoundly again. Like another step of the evolution completing. However, I was now able to adapt and adjust myself, true me, to the world around me. I was able to assimilate without losing that space I had created; which I have since learned to mean that I can exist in my true self in reality, there was space for all that I was in reality. All that I wanted to be, I could be.
I began to listen and adjust. Listen again, adjust some more. Rinse and repeat.
I can see it now, the dependence on my routine. I can also see why I struggled for years and failed to find it. It seems so silly now, how did I ever expect myself to provide when I didn’t listen to what it was I needed?
I guess the thing about my routine that makes it so that I have those extra words added to me is that it doesn’t make sense to other people. My mom would laugh at the fact that I have used the same pens since 2020 and have been having anxiety attacks about the fact that I haven’t been able to find them. I wake up at 0400 to tip toe silently around my house, that I stayed up and cleaned the night before for this moment. I sit and read my books. A text and a devotional. I journal my morning pages. I wake n bake. I meditate. I stretch and breathe.
Everyday.
I never sat and created this routine, I just began waking up when my body felt called and doing what I desired and needed. Turned out to be basically the same everyday. And even when it is not, I just trust that things have swayed because of the divine chaos of this life. Where I lose control is when…well lose control. When I leave my safe space, when new people enter in. But when I can let myself listen and be, holy shit, I can fucking be.
Real Life Superheroes Are Everywhere
I am sitting at a table I never imagined I would be worthy of a seat at. A table of revolutionaries and neighbors. Comrades. And you know what? They’re all fucking incredible humans. Superheroes, the real kind.
For one, there is what we are, a gathering of neighbors collaborating to create a community founded in fact, mutual aid, and progression. No one is trying to be a “voice of change” or to “keep us on task” (beyond what’s reasonable of course). We all have a voice in that room, we are equals and there is no question to that. And we are a fucking diverse group.
Our founder, P. The group has only had four meetings thus far, but P has proven to be a real Sybil Luddington. Unafraid to speak out for those who can not. Humble, yet resilient. The kind of person you will put yourself behind because you know that they will do the same when the time comes. A leader, not by choice, by nature.
Also in the group, a horticulturalist I heard talking about his abundant garlic crop. People from near the city, people from even further than the boonies. Parents, so many of us were parents. Kids came, too. Struggling with housing? We have an expert for you. A cook seemed to have knowledge to spare. A man with more love and passion for the waterfront I too fell in love with is in the group. His passion for his home has driven him to put himself on the line. Because somehow today in 2025, it is putting yourself on a line to open your mouth with your name attached. But we will. Because we know we have to. Silence does not create change. We are not a silent group that is for sure; not only because we have some elders that seems to be a bit harder of hearing. But the opposition, the oligarchy, can afford to be loud, yes, but we have the RIGHT to be loud.
We are a rag tag group of weirdos who want to build community on love and support. I haven’t even began to mention everyone and their superpowers. It’s all I could have ever dreamed of. And it is only the beginning, there is so much potential for positive impact.
I found my Justice League and they are all a buncha commies, it’s the best.
Thank you as always for being here and allowing me space to express my thoughts, screaming into the void if you will. The privilege of sharing my words and my story with the world is not lost on me and I am so incredibly grateful for this gift of virtual connection. Along with connection to art, we are also connecting to the pain and horrors of this world as well. As tempting as it is, turning away is the last thing we should do. Instead, bearing witness and offering to support and love each other is the way through.
Below you will find a number of links, some of families in need of community, others of communities with actionable ways to help people. Remember, even a share makes a difference.
GoFundMe to Help Save Munir and Mohammed's Family
GoFundMe to Save Hany's Children from War
GoFundMe to Support Fadi's Son's Medical Bills
GoFundMe to Help Young Palestinian Man Save His Family
GoFundMe to Save Bsmala & her Family in Gaza
GoFundMe to Help Aya and Her Family Evacuate from Gaza
Operation Olive Branch One-Click Email Campaign
"Abortion Everyday" Daily Newsletter About America and Reproductive Rights
5Calls: Website&App to Help Make Political Phone Calls