Feeling Myself, but, like, *Emotionally*
Some quicks thoughts about being there for myself in ways only I can be
Call it my Aquarius energy, but I am a lone wolf. I have my pack, but the role I play is more of the elder, if that makes sense. I have always resonated with the elderly. Something about their pace, their place in life and the gift that it is, though so many spend it taking its preciousness for granted. I prefer solving my problems alone or with the assistance of very few individuals, and usually not even that. My therapist, but that is only for the last few years. So introspection and time alone for reflection is my dream. I am so fucking grateful for the gift of this at this point in my life.
I am my best friend. I have constantly sought out that best friend relationship. Trips to islands together, years of inside jokes saved up in our memories, the ability to speak out own short hand. I have beautiful friendships. I have had best friends, I still do. It still isn’t like many others have. It’s by choice, this is not a complaint. I cannot be in a crisis and pick up FaceTime and explain what is happening. I think part of this is because I struggle to fully understand myself and how to vocalize myself authentically. The thing is I am extremely susceptible to influence. Whether it be my friends, my peers, my mother, I take others opinions to heart when those people matter to me. To be able to stay true to myself and my feelings and needs, I typically am able to safely navigate my life problems this way and I do have a safety system if it is too much for me to handle on my own. Cole is the closest person in the world to me and the only one who truly speaks my language. For that I am so grateful, you are my best friend baby, I know you are reading and I love you for always supporting me.
I even bought my wedding dress on my own. I never wore it, but I did the whole “say yes to the dress” schtick myself, and I don’t regret it at all. Long story short, I had planned on having a traditional big wedding when Cole and I first got engaged. I hated asking people to travel so far and pay so much, fuck I hated paying so much. One of the few wedding tasks I did complete (three months before the big day mind you) was to go to David’s Bridal and buy me a gown. Like any American girl I had dreamed of this moment. Getting to go to the shop and be treated like a princess. Pick out an array of dresses, sip champagne and laugh with your friends while you were praised and adored. The 80s movie montage. My idea of hell. I was going to ignore that though, I was going to go with some girls from work and my mom. I had a plan. Then like I do, I decided fuck it in the last quarter and hail mary-ed myself to that bridal store all on my own. Something quirky about me, that no other women in this world experiences, is that I have body dysmorphia. Dressing rooms make me physically ill, dressing rooms with an audience…I couldn’t do that. What if they didn’t fit? What if everyone heard those dreaded words: plus sized section. This was years ago but it is still so painful to think about how cruel I was to myself. There is so much power in the way you speak to yourself.
Anyway, I had a great time, I felt comfortable and it worked for me. People were hurt and confused by that and I can understand that, from their perspective. It is just who I am though. If I had gone with others my brain wouldn’t have allowed me to be me. I am working on it, but for some reason I really struggle not to please those around me and mold to their preferences. Sometimes I think it is because I am just low maintenance, I don’t have extreme preferences like others do. Occasionally this is true, like Pepsi or Coke? I could care less I am just happy to have a soda! When it came to my wedding dress though, I knew that I would set aside what I wanted, and that’s one of those times that I do have wants and I want to honor them. My mind does this incredible job of shutting down excitement when it is not matched by those around me, especially those I care about. I didn’t want to spend my wedding dress shopping montage in shut down, I wanted to be present. Sometimes I can only be present alone.
As I said, I am pretty different from the majority when it comes to this, but I know I am far from alone. I remember growing up all the girls would go to the bathrooms at school in groups. I would attend if invited, but I would never initiate the inviting. I am in school with you people for 8 hours a day, this trip to the bathroom may very well be my only 5 minutes of peace. I had troubles with friends because of this. Texts saying things like “y didnt u txt me u were goin p, we cud have gon for a walk” confused the living hell out of me. Honestly, even getting ready together before going out was just as confusing in my older years. Though there would be alcohol, so who am I to turn down a good time? God, I am glad to have grown.
I am done trying to fit the mold, appeasing people who are different, especially when they don’t try to do the same. I am valid, even though people may not understand.
You are too, if you’re reading this. I think a lot of us feel a bit different than the people around us right now. That’s cause we are all vastly different. The world has believed the lie for too long that it is bad to be different, that different people are the problem. We are feeling incredibly uncomfortable for that reason. There is no “non different” person. We all have unique beliefs, desires, values and they are all valid. The problem lies in hiding what it is that makes you unique and forcing yourself to be a cog in the machine. Each time you don’t speak up or speak out about the truth it affects you. We have been told to keep quiet for a long time and I think we are all starting to burst. To see beyond the lies and into ourselves and our inner truths. It’s giving me hope to think I am not alone, we are not alone. So thank you for helping me see the light ahead.
