Clear Skies Ahead...Right?
As we approach the "new year, new me" season, my anxiety is spiking because I, in fact, intend to continue grasping onto my "me-ness" for dear life. It's all I have, being me. I got no other moves.
My attempt at writing here everyday for 30 days has failed. Miserably. Usually I would use that as an excuse to stop. Stop writing, stop sharing. Instead, I am laughing at off as a quirk of my ADHD and I am committing harder to being strictly intentional with my writing. It’s just better this way. For my brain and for your enjoyment. So here I am, writing at 0530 because I want to.
I have wanted to quite a bit lately to be honest, but we have been traveling. Cole, myself, and our little babe flew to Missouri to see his family. Flying with a toddler was exactly as you’d expect, horrible. And we had great luck, no delays, super long lines, none of that. Still hated it. It wasn’t the kid, it was the me. I hated it.
Here’s the thing. I love the airport. I am one of those insane people who truly just adores hanging at the airport and sipping my Bloody Mary before boarding. The people watching is immaculate at the airport. I feel like I am strutting a runway. There is zero obligation to talk to anyone so you KNOW “Savage” by Meg is blasting in my ears as I sa-shay away. Then there’s the bonus of the fact that we are about to be put in a tube and flown, like through the freaking sky, to wherever we are going. It’s my happy place. It is my favorite part of travel. I love the airport.
With a child, there’s no bloody Marys. There’s no strutting to the Stallion. There’s none of the things I love, just a lot of what stresses me the fuck out.
Having to board early- I have to appear as if I am budging everyone and I always fear people thinking I am pretentious.
A crying baby- In general it brings me so much anxiety even when we are home when my baby is crying, so much anxiety, but in public? Where I fear she is bothering others? Cram that into a tube? My hell. My people-pleasing nightmare. Because at the end of the day, I am going to give her what she wants. Sorry to the man whose arm she was stroking while you slept, but you saved my life for the five minutes it entertained her.
No inflight entertainment- Why the fuck did I decide on no screens? We survived, but damn my stupid rigid rules for myself.
People watch me- Instead of getting to do the watching, I am the watchee with a baby. I felt so nervous about her getting kidnapped or lost, it was just eight hours of constant on edge nervous anxiety.
All in all, super grateful for the opportunity and the experience and the ability to even be able to travel like this, but flying with a young child is very hard on the nervous system. Head my warning.
Upon arrival at our destination it was magic, however.
Family time feels so sacred lately, we both live so far from our biological people. Cole and I have been married for three years now and together for six, even still the amount of times we’ve been able to spend quality time with each other’s families has been extremely minimal. Especially with COVID in the mix there. Living in California didn’t make it easy either. Neither does my confusing relationship with my parents…but I don’t feel like getting into all that right now.
Missouri is an interesting place. I am from New York, the greatest state in the union. I am a New Yorker, a proud Yankee, though a fan of the Mets. Missouri is the south to me, I clarify that because my husband would be rolling his eyes reading that, he vehemently disagrees. He is a man who enjoys being wrong. So Missouri is an interesting place. It’s the most time I’ve ever spent in the south, these trips here. It is in some ways exactly as I imagined, in others, so different.
First of all, the scenery is stunning. Driving through the hills around here, in Southwest Missouri, everywhere you look are stunning pasture with cows or an old farmhouse with the perfect country backdrop. The sunsets are incredible, second only to Texas. I can say, the sun sets better in the south. The people though…Ahhhh the people…
**I want to be clear I do NOT mean my in-laws, or all Missourians, or anything like that**
…these people are very difficult for me to interact with at times. It’s not the deep interactions, it’s the brief ones at the store. People always talk about us New Yorkers as being cold and rude. Well, here people are…just kind of indifferent. Dazed? It’s like they all exist in their own bubble, they are surprised when you peek through to acknowledge them. I can’t say rude, but I can feel the on edge-ness of everybody I encounter. Conversations feel like interviews.
My biggest criticism is the same for almost anywhere I have ever been, enough fucking developments. Enough giant housing units for people to move into from their previous cookie cutter house because shiplap is back in style. There is no worse eye sore in this world than what would be a perfect view of nature being tarnished by the sight of another over the top mansion to sit mostly unused.
Maybe this is just my hatred of capitalism and trend culture. Say no to fads! Say yes to you!
I’ve been asking myself a lot lately: “Do you like this?” when it comes to pretty much everything. Since receiving my OCPD diagnosis I have been very fixated on what is the real me, what she really enjoys and dislikes. And how the fuck to get her to speak up of course.
For instance, growing up there was Peter Pan peanut butter. That was it. Jiff, gtfo. Skippy? Nope. All I ever experienced was Peter Pan. A couple of years ago I spent close to $100 trying as many peanut butters as I could to find what one I actually preferred. Turns out, I am just not a huge fan of the PB. But I didn’t even know that was an option. I had no idea I could not like something.
It may have been the most freeing experiment I have done when it comes to finding myself. It let me be brave and step away from my family expectations; it also provided a safe space for me to have an experience trying something and having no external input. It was kind of jarring how different I respond when alone and asked “Do you like this?” verses when someone else asks me.
Mind you, this was just a few years ago, maybe five. So I was twenty five when I learned I could try a different peanut butter than the one my mommy picked out. Sometimes I look back at myself and it’s like, okay you pathetic loser, grow up and get your shit together. I did not, no shit, know before that point that there were no consequences of my actions. I did not know I could be my own person.
That lesson still struggles to fully stick. I find myself amazed the need to make decisions for not only myself, but now a child. And a husband. It’s simply too much responsibility at times.
This is why I am a one child mom. I know my limits, I set myself up for success.
Speaking of setting myself up for success, I have picked a focus for the new year. As you all know, last year I did all my “nevers”. I hung out with spiders, got a cat, I started taking pictures, I was my fully unmasked self and my best friend ghosted me for it, but I survived, I started writing regularly, I started a daily habit of mediation. I have grown so much this year, I have come leaps and bounds in my own personal development as a human. I feel so proud, but also humbled because I still have another fifty (hopefully) years left to learn and grow more.
So for 2025 our theme is: prophylaxis which means measures designed to preserve health and prevent spread of disease. We are thinking ahead, for my mental health, for Cole’s, for baby’s.
I am trying to remember that this is not a resolution or contract, but a goal theme. No pressure, no ties, no consequences. Just something to keep in mind. Not just health preservation, but self preservation. I am not trying to change, I am trying to resurrect. Those parts of self I tried to kill off throughout my life need to be reminded that they deserve love, they need to know I can see them now for what they are. Little treasures of my soul.
Something I am embracing in myself is my vision. It is impeccable and deserves some damn recognition. My intuition always knows what’s right. What needs to be shared, how, where, when. I am leaning into that.
It’s been guiding towards more sustainable choices, mostly because it has allowed me to open my eyes to the bigger pictures of this world. The realities of the exploitation that allows me the life that I write to you from. When you see it, it is hard not to want to be better. I know I won’t be perfect, but better. Prophylactic remember? It’s not just my health I need to preserve, this world is so sick too.
I am excited to share this piece of my journey a bit more. I started attending these eco.gatherings that are held through zoom, put on by Sterling College in Vermont. They’ve been incredible. Where I live in Ohio I do not get to interact with many like minded people; let alone feel inspired by them. Here I am though, finding my community online. I want to take that and try to share it in my real world too though!
I am going to *try* to put together a subgroup at one of my local libraries. The small one where I know the librarians. I feel really scared. Maybe that’s stupid, but I don’t know my community well and I do have a fear that they will be…offended about the truths I would like to talk about and acknowledge. Something I have learned since November 5th is that a lot of people in my country are incredibly ill-informed and poorly educated. With little drive or ability to recognize these faults in oneself. So maybe a talk at the library with a bald lady (well not so bald anymore) is what they need. Maybe I can help small town Ohio see the ways that their life is touched by those in the Congo, the Sudan, Palestine, all of the global south. How for us to live the lives we live others sacrifice everything.
I feel like what we do backwards in the U.S. is make every delicacy a commodity that must be monopolized. We put self wants over other’s needs. It’s greed. Imagine if we all just lived a faction of a cleaner life? If everyone in the U.S. made an effort to find a trash can 30% more of the time ya know? What if we cut our showers by a quarter of the time. Everyone, that way it’s relative to your current shower routine. Why don’t we fucking try?
Instead we praise it, we idolize those who live in excess and luxury for the sake of it.
I am guilty, I am not judging. Even though I have stepped away from celebrity culture I still have those whom I adore, who I follow and aspire to get the attention of some day. I am just trying to be conscious of who it is that I allow to have that kind of an influence over me. Instead of trying to split myself to get as much influence from as many as possible, I am instead focusing on receiving inspiration from those who spark it and then allowing myself to create from there. I am in my self entertainment era.
Cognitive masturbation if you will :P
Tomorrow we fly back to Ohio, so I am off to enjoy these last lovely moments with my family. I am sending so much love to you during this time, these last weeks of the year are always some of the most off for me. Maybe that’s the empath in me? I’m not sure, but I just feel a lot and so I want you to know I love you. I see you. You are not alone.
Below are some links for resources to help impact the world, as well as some resources for your own personal growth. Please check them out.
GoFundMe for Fadi's Son's Medical Expenses
GoFundMe to Help Save Mohammad's Family in Gaza
GoFundMe to Help Save Bsmala's Family in Gaza