As Usual, I'm Blaming the Sky
Astrology is not only a fabulous tool for discovering more about yourself, it can also be a great excuse for when shit is just not going for ya.
Oh perhaps I am simply another millennial longing for a reason for my sudden inability to do anything with my spare time. Besides laying in my dark bedroom on my heating pad, under my weighted blanket. That is where you’ll find me these days. Hopefully not anymore, but these past couple days, yeah. I haven’t been able to fight it.
I do have a depression disorder, so it isn’t wildly unlikely that that is simply the cause of this sudden glum I have been overcome with. The world is on fire, literally and figuratively. So there’s that. The lies of the world continue to be shattered and crumble around me; yet it feels like everyone else is just walking through all this broken glass. Not even flinching. Here I am screaming and I haven’t even taken a step. Toughen up, Kels. Oh and it’s winter so my vitamin D reservoirs are depleted.
I’ve been using reverse psychology on myself and have been trying to toughen up by softening a bit. I’ve cried a lot. My dreams have become troubling again. Not quite as bad as last year. I have a period of about a month where I had vivid suicide dreams…these aren’t that; but they have the same feeling of helplessness at times.
I am extremely grateful to have such a strong support system when I am awake. This year is actually my five year anniversary of therapy. Five years of committing to giving myself a chance to grow. Five years of trying to be better. I am proud of myself, however, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that felt like after five years I should be able to make it through a winter without having this happening…I should be able to fight better. I try to remind myself, “Hey, you admitted it to yourself though!” and yeah I did, but it took my therapist dragging it out of me. How can I have known that I am this person and five years later I am still in denial? Is that the “Sisyphus” of mental illness?
The Fall of the Church
I’ve teased a bit about my experiences going to this church near me. One and a half miles away. Well…I regret to inform you that as quickly as the church came into my life, I have had to kind of step away a little bit. A lot a bit, though I won’t say I have completely removed myself.
What had happened was, I went over to my neighbor’s J&K, who had originally invited me to the church. As we sat talking she mentioned the “larger church” when discussion of how a Pastor is found, ours travels two hours and that seemed crazy! I thought she was a friend of a friend maybe, or I don’t know. Turns out they come from a larger group of ministers and such. I don’t think Megachurch is the right word at all, but it is not a simple community church. Or at least it’s a bit more complex.
The struggle I had was when I went to do research into this larger entity of the church and I found a declaration of marriage being between “one man and one woman only”. I don’t think I need to explain myself much more.
I say I haven’t completely stepped away for the simple reason that where I live, in the type of community I live in, the church is the community. I want to continue to know my neighbors and learn about ways I can help them, I just will no longer financially contribute to the church donations and stuff though. I am an infiltrate here to poison the holy water. Wait, is that just a Catholic thing?
I am still absorbed by my curiosity of the church itself and religion.
Yesterday morning I decided to go, again simply say hi to my neighbors and observe. I am just fascinated. Is that inauthentic of me? To attend church as scientific research? Well no, I would call it research for my writing. Though, I can’t imagine a more qualified sociologist than a millennial with OCPD, AuDHD, endless caffeine, and a keyboard.
It’s the…devotion. It just amazes me, in the truest definition. Like it is awe-inspiring to see a 90 year old, frail woman stand and hold her arms up to sing to the heavens. As her hands shake and I can see her struggling to get the words out, what is deeper than that is this energy. An energy much stranger than her practically century old body. Perhaps, the Holy Spirit. Or, more likely, delusion. Stockholm syndrome?
Unless, believing is what it takes to make something real. Because…I can promise I don’t believe in God, but there was something within that woman that was beyond her. And I know that something is within us all.
Is it Mom Guilt?
If you have been reading my…letters? Essays? Whatever, for awhile then you will see at the end I often share links at the end for various resources. One of my favorites you will find is for something called “EcoGather”. It is a community education program through Sterling College in Vermont. Essentially, they provide some formal education, but weekly they hold conversations, EcoGatherings.
At the EcoGatherings there is always a focus and then conversation goes from there. Often they revolve around something like a Podcast episode that we are diving deeper into. Last week I decided to make the time to attend an EcoGathering that was following an episode from the podcast “Upstream”. If you haven’t listened to the podcast as a whole, I cannot recommend enough. Robert Raymond and Della Duncan do unbelievable interviews of a vast range of humans from diverse educations, careers, points in life and perspectives. All coming together to help us move Upstream from where we are here, in this capitalist cesspool.
The episode we followed for this particular EcoGathering was “Post-Capitalism Parenting: Parenting Under Capitalism with Toi Smith”. This was just part one of the series and an incredible opening. I cannot recommend listening to this conversation enough. The conversation we had post in EcoGathering was equally impactful. Honestly, it saved me just a little bit from the deep end.
Before becoming a mom I heard endlessly about this thing “mom guilt”. I had this idea of what it was, is. I was partially correct. Mom guilt does involve feeling guilty for doing things as a mom like taking time for yourself, or when you have to discipline say. However, for me at least, I struggle with a lot of guilt of being a mom. I think it sort of stems back to me struggling with depression and, well, the world we live in. I feel guilt for bringing a kid into this world, because what if someday…the world is gone.
A selfish thought…I know. Privileged even…There’s just days I have struggled with wanting to be in the world, so what if I forced someone to exist without their consent…ya know?
Well, don’t worry I was grounded and reminded of gratitude. Luckily when the question “What feelings do you have surrounding being a parent in this world?” was posed, I was not the first to answer. Instead it was Jenna, Jenna’s words have been with me since she spoke them.
“I think being a parent in today’s world and bringing a new being into this world to be loved and make it better is a radical act of bravery.” ~Jenna~
Radical. Act. of Bravery.
I can feel this, I can feel in my heart that I am raising a child with love and understanding, in doing that of course there is the risk of that child getting hurt. That is the risk of any life, lived any way.
But, I created one and brought it here. And they are as close to perfect as a human can possibly be. I am doing my best. How radically brave is that?
I am so fucking grateful for Jenna and her words. I did share my feelings after. I cried and looked like an idiot, the group made space for me and an older man shared about he feels as someone who’s kids are grown. He comforted us by sharing by being here we are already doing so much good for our children. I am very grateful for old man, yet sad I forgot his name.
One hour. A one hour EcoGathering and I went from, to be blunt, contemplating the value of existence versus pain to grounded and grateful.
And that is on one thing.
Community.
My good friend Kaylan recently sent that if people aren’t feeling hope, they need to get out in with their community. Fuck, I’m doing it. It works, it’s uncomfortable. I worried about being too much. It was scary.
It was community for the sake of community, no hidden fees.
Thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote, it means more than words could express. Below are some links for different ways to do good and some resources as well. Be kind in all you do.
GoFundMe to Help Save Wafa and Her Family
GoFundMe to Help Save Munir and Her Family
GoFundMe to Help Save Hany's Children
GoFundMe to Help with Fadi's Son's Medical Expenses
GoFundMe to Help Save Mohammad and His Family
GoFundMe to Help Save Bsmala and Her Family
GoFundMe to Help Save Aya and Her Family
OperationOliveBranch's One Click Email Campaign
Stay Up To Date with Abortion News in the U.S. with "Abortion Everyday"