A Writing Dump?
Move over photo dumps on Instagram, hellllllo word dumps on Substack.
Let’s see if I can do this, a writing dump. Just give you my mind right now as it is. So be patient if I’m all over the place.
The People v The Animals
I don’t trust people who don’t like animals.
Sure, there’s cat people and there’s dog people and there’s fish people. So on and so forth. It is something that baffles me though to imagine that there are people out there in this world who don’t like any animals. Who don’t think that they have feelings and thoughts.
Perhaps this is all inspired by my new found vegetarianism,I think it’s deeper though. I’ve thought this much longer than I haven’t eaten meat. I was just thankful for those people at that time because they did my dirty work for me. I used to say I hated cats. I remember being at a sleepover in maybe fifth grade and screaming every time one of the girl’s 18 cats came into the room, which was all the time because it was literally 18 cats. I don’t know if it was for attention or for the laugh? Maybe that’s the same thing. I hated them though, I was terrified.
Still, I never would harm one. Now I have one and I plan to rescue all of the cats that I can.
But people do terrible things to animals. I remember being young and learning of a person who tossed a bag of puppies out of the window of a car as they drove down the highway. That show on Animal Planet haunted me, “Animal 911” I think? About the people rescuing abused dogs. Hell, I couldn’t even get through the movie “Homeward Bound” let alone a true tragedy like “Old Yeller” or “Marley and Me”.
I look at an animal and all they do is feel. Their whole existence is intuition and instinct. I would agree this means they deserve more kindness than people. They don’t have a choice in what they do, they simply act. We have a consciousness, we can decipher right from wrong. Right?
Humans are just animals. So does this disprove my previous hypothesis that humans are capable of growing beyond cruelty? (Posed in a previous essay) Either way, we are the same. Us and the animals. Moreover, we are them.
I don’t think it’s our reactions or our outbursts that define us. We are human, we make mistakes. It’s these long and excused evils that are weighing on me. That inspire me to think about this. Anyone can understand a crime of passion, hell, it can even be forgiven. It’s our critically thought out evils. Our justified and covered up evils. That is what makes us worse than the animals. When given the choice we choose violence.
Many moons ago I lived in Albany, NY with a few roommates. One had a friend come over and as soon as he had walked into my house my dog alerted. He had never done that before. He wasn’t being aggressive per se, he was standing at my side at attention. That was the first time I knew that I felt more comfortable with my dog than most people, especially men. What a wild thought. Kind of like that question everyone was asking this summer “would you rather be alone in the woods with a bear or a man?” a bear. I would rather be with my dog. I trust my dog more than humans. He doesn’t manipulate and lie like we do.
And still there are people out there who think the animals are the ones who don’t feel? They think animals are just beasts. It is just ironic to me how someone who feels that way could probably look in the mirror and find a much uglier beast than they would in any other animal in this world.
I Am Safe to Be, But Am I Safe to Be Me?
The last few months, since I shaved my head in May really, I have been existing through a constant transformation of soul. My psychiatrist says it shows through my confidence. She was telling me that when she first saw me with no hair she questioned if it was a manic episode, like a good practitioner we all know about Brit. Today she told me that if I were to be the person I am now and I showed up with a shaved head she wouldn’t think twice.
It’s funny how these people, who we know in such an intimate, yet clinical way, can really understand you. Because I had never put all of those words together, but same. This is why therapy needs to be a part of universal healthcare. When I wanted to shave my head, something I had wanted since I was a child, I still wouldn’t allow myself to do it until I got my friend’s seal of approval. Until I made sure they knew I wasn’t crazy. That should have been my first sign that maybe I wasn’t really being me.
Cause I am a wild card of a person. I am gonna come out of left field with an idea that may sound wacky and impractical, but it’ll be fun and exciting!
I have crazy hair. I also, truly do not care about my hair. It is fun to have it look a certain way when it behaves, but to put time and money into my hair? No that isn’t for me. I used to make myself care. To make myself want it. Now I don’t.
In all of this realization and transformation my idea of relationships has really shifted. It has expanded in most ways, except one. My inner circle.
I think I am learning there is power in anonymity, in privacy. In living my life and only letting certain people get the real deep goods. I had always thought the best way to be a friend was to be fully authentic and honest. That is true, with your best people. I can’t meet someone and allow them into that circle anymore. I have had to put a guard up there.
That guard allows for a lot more people to enter my outer rings though. I don’t have to be quite so stingy about who gets access to me in safe ways. It lets me expand my perspective and grow. It honestly has been one of the largest benefits of this change I am enduring. It allows me to connect to people, real people. That has reignited my flame, my humanity.
There are not many people who live around me who share the same world views that I do. I used to allow myself to cast judgements on people who disagreed with me. I would put them in a box and never revisit. People can’t be put into boxes though. Something I’ve learned in talking to people, really talking to people, is that we really all want the same thing. So much of the conflict that we exist in in this world is manufactured by miscommunications and assumptions.
I truly didn’t know that I could have friends who disagree with me. I would bend myself over and back trying to align with all these people I loved in so many different ways. I didn’t realize the people I love and allow in my circle, are mine. I don’t need them all to get along, I don’t need them to even talk. I just need them.
I need to feel safe with my friends yes, I don’t need to always give them everything. Every piece of me. And I shouldn’t ask or expect that of them. The beauty of friendship is two humans being human together and accepting that. Not expecting perfection and alignment in every interaction.
Define ‘Worth It’
This year, this decade, this life, has made me question a lot, is it worth it? Being good, trying to make the world better.
Everyday it seems like I am finding out heroes of mine aren’t who I thought they were. These people who I thought had been putting in work to make the world better have just been putting in face time to make money. It’s hard to not feel hopeless. Like no one is going to stand up and do the right thing.
My cousin gave me some insight I want to share with you because, I don’t really think I am the only one feeling this way, so hopefully it helps you too.
She said:
You need to just do the best you can with the life you’ve got. That’s all you have control over at the end of the day. Just do your best.
Just do your best.
These are some questions I have been asking myself at the end of the day to see if I have done my best:
Did you make someone laugh today?
Did you care for yourself today?
Are you safe? Are you alive? Are your loved ones?
Were you kind? If not, would you be if you could go back?
What do you feel right now?
Perhaps those are silly and obvious, reductive even. It’s brought me some peace though. The world is huge and heavy. We can’t possibly carry it all, just carry yourself. And do so with love.
Thank you for being here, for reading my words, for allowing me space. If you could below I am linking a GoFundMe to help 7 lives in Palestine as well as a one click email list created by Operation Olive branch if you are unable to make a financial donation. Remember: emails, calls, voting, protesting, boycotting are VALID AND GOOD ways to make an impact.