A Month of Reflection: Day Twenty Four
I am not that person. I just am not and I need to admit that to myself and stick to it. I am who I am, and I am the only one of me.
Every year for over five years now I have tried to commemorate all of the reflection I do in the month of November and share a piece of it everyday. Prior to this, it was on Instagram. So the expectation there was low, a picture and a caption. I would try to be a little lengthy, but again to achieve my goal all I had to do was: select one photo, share with words, repeat 30 days in a row. Not once have I done it. Very few things have I done consistently everyday for more than say…10 days. The exceptions being journaling and daily meditation; both of which are on over a year run of me being committed. After a year, I kinda stopped “tracking”. I do use Insight Timer, a meditation app for guided meditations as well as a timer for my self led sessions. This keeps track, but I don’t always have my phone near by when I meditate, so it isn’t necessarily accurate. It is cool to see though, I am at 187 hours. I will also admit, there are a few times that I have fallen asleep when I start off meditating, it also, isn’t exact.
That is the first thing I have ever developed as a habit, though. So I am really proud. Really proud. I am about to be thirty years old and for the first time in my life I have something I do everyday that isn’t a bodily function.
The journaling habit has always been much more sporadic, I may have said that before, I don’t mean to be repetitive. Since June of 2023 it has been much more consistent, I do have a baby though, so I am not perfect.
But, that’s kind of the thing…I am not perfect.
I am imperfect. I love that I am imperfect, I embrace it everywhere, except in my head. In there, I am realizing upon reflection, that I keep setting myself up for failure. I keep doing that “repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity” thing. I tell myself “I am going to do this, I am going to do this for this long, blah, blah, blah”. I set the expectations that have unnecessary consequences and then I hold myself aggressively accountable, or I shut down. Release all emotion and attachment and release.
I realize now, two things. One being this has been rather unhealthy behavior. Two, I can completely control it.
I can just stop. Stop doing these silly challenges to myself. Stop trying to be like who I see. Stop trying to do it fucking right.
Stop lying to myself that anything I do will be perfect, because when I release that, I really can create magic.
I hosted a gathering of friends this week. It was supposed to include another couple, but due to illness it ended up just being my little family of three and our friends from in town, also a family of three. So it was like a triple play date.
We did cook festive food for the holiday that is up and coming, simply because I enjoy cooking a bird, and while I did taste test, I refrained from breaking my vegetarianism; which on a personal level is a huge feat, I have a bad habit of doing what I want when no one’s looking, I beat myself up for that too. See the patterns?
This meal was quite possibly the best I have ever had at this time of year as an adult. I feel guilt saying that knowing that my family wasn’t there, and I love y’all, but it was so stress free. It was so casual. And I know why.
I didn’t make it a big deal.
I didn’t tell myself that my home needed to be perfectly clean, or the turkey needed to be done on time. Which it wasn’t and I survived, so did the friendship which is always my biggest fear. I didn’t make myself prepare it all to make sure that there was everything everyone wanted. Mike didn’t get any turkey. It was so flawed that it is laughable. And we did. We laughed about it and shrugged it off.
It was our first family day all together and the girls played so nicely. Their daughter is seven and one of the funniest kids I have ever met. One of those kids with an imagination that makes you think “we need to protect this one, she’ll do big things”. I feel very grateful that Phoebe will have her to look up to in her life. They aren’t going anywhere, these friends. I mean, barring something tragic or huge. These are good people. They are more than friends, they are neighbors. I really want to be a good neighbor.
We help each other. There is no expectation. There’s nothing riding on our friendship. There’s no judgement either. We are all just humans, parents, trying to raise kids in a crazy fucked up world, and we need some fucking support. I can only speak for myself, but I need some support outside of my family unit. I am sorry mom and dad, I love you to death, but I gotta do some things on my own. I gotta find my community. I gotta find my fucking self.
I’ve realized lately just how easily influenced I am…which feels embarrassing to say. I feel like I sound like I am trying to be a victim, or say that I don’t have control over my actions. It’s not that I do. I just am realizing just how deeply I can self sacrifice my authenticity for others approval. And how in this world, it makes it harder to exist when everywhere I look is influence.
Some is easy to cast away, like billboards and stupid marketing campaigns. It’s the personal influence that gets me the most. Which again, feels embarrassing to admit, but whatever. I hate disappointing those I love. I hate it more than I love myself. Well I used to.
I had a friend who was very into marketing and growth and all that jazz. I allowed myself to be influenced by that into “marketing” myself. Thinking of myself as a commodity. I have been thinking about all of this all wrong.
I don’t need to, nor do I want to, prove that I can write 1,000 words a day for a month because what does that matter? Then I am not being authentic. I am a human who runs fueled solely by inspiration and intuition. When I feel the need to share something, I will and it will be as long as I want. It’s okay.
I don’t need a catch campaign to get people to pay attention. I don’t need to do what anyone else is doing. In fact, I need to be completely different.
My month of reflection will live on, don’t worry. And I will of course share it with you, and maybe one year I will decide to write and share with you everyday of the month. That is not this year.
Who knows, maybe next?
Stick around and find out
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While you do, please check out these links below, they offer ways for you to show support and solidarity with those in need of liberation:
GoFundMe to Help with Fadi's Son's Medial Expenses
GoFundMe to Help Save Mohammed's Family in Gaza
Operation Olive Branch: One-Click Email Link
GoFundMe to Help Save Bsmala's Family in Gaza