A Month of Reflection: Day Twenty
When it rains it really does pour, don't it?
So you remember two post ago when I complained about how terrible migraines are and woe is me?
Well the following night my husband decided to show me up with some projectile vomiting. As you can imagine, that was passed around the house and ended Ol’ Tender Tummy (me) ended up needing some IV Zofran. If I believed in stocks and the stock market I would invest in Zofran, I require it like oxygen. So needless to say, it has been a week.
I was thinking today about another dear friend of mine, Sebastian. Sebass.
Sebass was my first friend when I moved out to Albany in 2015. God that’s a 10 year anniversary, just now realizing that. That move was supposed to be my first step towards a forever with a person who is a ghost to me now. Life is strange. During that period of my life I began a job. A silly, annoying fucking job. One of the best, and worst of my life. But, certainly, 100% the one that brought the most incredible people in all at once.
The job was at the small mom and pop neighborhood arcade, Dave and Buster’s, located in Crossgates Mall. It was probably, exactly how you would imagine a job at a children’s arcade that sells alcohol would be. Some day I will write stories about the characters of a Dave and Buster’s, that’s another day though; today is Sebass.
Sebass was a server and trainer. Because Dave and Buster’s is like as corporate as it gets the training was very binder-y and school like, which just in retrospect is such an infantile way of treating adults. Maybe I am just far too against the system right now. Sebass made it fun though. He was eight years older than me and in a serious relationship, so he was safe. Plus, his energy just was safe of course. I just immediately felt a home in him. An acceptance. It was one of those instant connections.
It may have been stupid and school like, but I am one of those “desperate for validation” people, and so, I was trying very hard. So we got close. He is the one who introduced me to all my other friends. He is the one that welcomed me into the family. That’s truly what it was, it was my first time being a part of one too, like a whole friend family as a full “member”. Which is silly, in reflection, but at the time I really didn’t realize I didn’t have to keep trying so damn hard.
Sebass and I got especially close in the fall of 2015 because we began watching the CW series “The Flash” and got super into all things comics. Well DC Comics. And he already was into it, he shared it with me. He would tell me all the easter eggs thought the episodes. We’d watch the cross overs with other shows on the channel. I got very close with Sebass, and also his partner, now spouse, Alex. It’s funny how something as simple as a comic can bring someone so deeply into your life.
Sebass is from Argentina, he taught me what DACA was, and this was 2015. He Feld with his parents when he was 6 or 7 if I remember correctly. He…made that journey to survive. Everyday after that was the exact same fight for survival. Growing up where I did, exposed to the people (or lack of) that I was, I had never gotten to sit down and have a conversation with someone with that lived experience. He would share stories of how much his parents and he and his sister had worked through their lives to not only make it financially, but to make it as people. Him getting to go to school was not as simple as just going to school like it was for me.
I could go on and on about how much I learned from this man about work ethic and what it means to be a “true American”, but I will get distracted and forget to tell you the whole point of bringing up this brilliant man.
Until today, thinking on Sebastian and our friendship and how we grew together though life, I had never realized how much he had taught me about love. Like true, unconditional, self sacrificing to a level even, love. And it wasn’t toward me, it’s the way he loves Alex. I don’t want that to be confused.
The part about it that is…hard to admit, but feels necessary, is that I didn’t always see the depth of the love that ran through Sebass to explain certain things, I had no idea the profound love that was between them. This is probably because at the time I hadn’t had a real love.
Like I said I spent a lot of time over at Sebass and Alex’s place. It became like a second home.
Alex loved to cook and bake for us when we would hang out. Since most of our lives were spent at D&B the home cooked meal was very welcomed. I always noticed though, the dishes really piled up at their house. This is not something I typically pick up on, nor think about. I did though, and it was such a thing that Sebass mentioned it to me once.
He apologized for the mess. I could see there were always dirty dishes no matter what, so it kind of was reassuring at first to have him acknowledge the mess. I sensed a bit more behind it and so I asked, why is it that there is always dishes.
Sebass told me about Alex’s life. It was also a life very, very different from mine; in a different way from his differences though. Alex was in charge of dishes for herself and her siblings. Her family was very large and it was…not easy. I don’t want to speak on her experience, so I am trying to tread lightly, but Sebass was sharing with me that the task of doing dishes physically, mentally, and emotional triggers the person he loves in a way that is so deep that he told her she never has to clean a dish again. In their partnership, the dishes are his.
I heard this story at the time, and I felt the love.
I get it now though.
If I am being honest, when I heard the story, I felt the love, but still a lot of confusion. I still…wanted to just ask more. Why doesn’t she just do them? Maybe use paper instead? Maybe don’t cook so much? I immediately wanted to find a solution and considered that whole situation a “problem” requiring of one.
I had never thought, “That is the solution, Sebass doing the dishes”. I just sat with how he must feel. How annoying it must be for him to come home day in and day out and have this mess. Knowing it would be there, just a guaranteed chore every time he came home. How do you live like that?!
You love like that.
When I wrote “self sacrificing” above while describing their love I cringed, I don’t mean to validate setting yourself and your needs aside, but I am learning there are some things that are aches and not breaks.
It wasn’t about the dishes. It wasn’t about the mess or the work. It was about Alex, her comfort, her sense of safety and love. Sebass did not care that he had to do this if it meant that she had a day without that pain.
How fucking beautiful is that?
As I sit writing this I received a notification about an attack on North Gaza. I know this isn’t a “smooth” transition, I just do not know how to live in this existence and also not bring the reality of the world into it. At least 88 Palestines were martyred in a single attack. And attack on besieged Northern Gaza, with its one hospital and zero resources. It feels like a lie to type “at least” because it is certainly more. I want to hate this world and give up and walk away. I want shut down. I want to be mad that other people didn’t work harder to make the world better. Maybe this is a stretch to link my experience and this reality, but I want to carry my lesson from Sebass into this instance.
It bothers me to be uncomfortable and talk about Palestine all the time because I worry others will think *insert x,y,z judgement*. It pains Palestinians around the world that we don’t talk about their suffering.
Please following the links below for ways to give some of your love to the people of Palestine.
GoFundMe for Fadi's Son's Medical Bills
GoFundMe to Help Save Mohammad and His Family in Gaza