A Month of Reflection: Day Ten
Conversations with my seven year old niece are always filled with magic and wonder. Rarely do they leave me feeling quite so...dare I say...reflective?
To be fair it wasn’t so much a conversation I was a part of as it was a conversation I was listening to. Between her and her best friend, because they are minors I am just gonna say her name was Jess.
So my niece and Jess we talking about our magic. The three of us are a very secret magical group that fights crime, mainly our nemesis: Baby Bear. So they were discussing all the different types of magic and which ones were the most powerful. All of the sudden I heard my niece, in a very matter-of-fact way say “Well of course God’s magic is the strongest”.
I froze.
I hate hearing that word come out of her mouth. Not because of the word or what it usually means, but simply because I do not want to in any way influence her away from any of her familial beliefs. I know they do go to church, I believe it is Catholic. I respect that, I respect the hell out of it. I do not think their “God” is real. Hell I am reading the Qur’an right now and I do not fear Allah in the way the book teaches. I believe in his teachings though and the value of it. I believe in the people who do believe. So doesn't that make him real? To me it kinda does!
I do not want to, let’s use the phrase “open a can of worms” when it comes to muddying the waters of different religious, and nonreligious, beliefs. She is not my child, it is not my place.
So I am going to do it here to you guys! I am going to define what “God” means to me!
First, foremost, and most certainly: GOD IS NOT A MAN
I promise the creator of the universe did not have a penis. I promise, or God spite me now!
The closest philosophical ideology I have found that aligns with my belief something called, Spinozism. The basics of this philosophy are that everything in our reality if the same thing with infinite different attributes, allowing it to be everything, everywhere, all at once. It that energy, whatever the spark is that initiates an electrical impulse to creates anything. Is that even electric energy? Maybe it’s just life energy, reiki. The name doesn’t matter, because nothing does. It just is.
I am very new to my research of Spinozism, but other aspects really call to me as well. Mainly the idea that the universe just has been and forever will be in some capacity, forever. And that God is not a person, or even person like. It, not he, is an it. It is undefinable, we will never be able to quantify it or realize it. Dare I say the human pursuit to do just this may be a wasted effort; or at least something that can wait until we put out all the fires on the homefront right now. Maybe someday we an spend our time and energy just exploring the intricacies of this world again…I hope.
Perhaps that sounds nihilistic, but I can assure you it is the opposite! Releasing the need to know how, why, when, etc when it comes to it has been incredibly freeing. Your mind if freed to focus on the now, when you just trust what is.
My belief in what God was began long before finding this definition of Spinozism. I can remember th exact moment actually, the moment that I knew that we are all one. Not just we, like us people, but we like the people, the animals, the water, the rocks, the air. All of it.
It was the last day of nursing school in 2020. I was quarantining in my home with my roommates and was just finishing up my very last class when one of them walked in with a little strip of paper we knew all too well. Immediately, I got excited. At this point my psychedelic use was still rather minimal, not that it ever exploded, I’ve done it maybe 7 or 8 times. I closed up my laptop and thought “What better way to celebrate the end of classes?”, chugged a glass of water, put my tabby on my tongue and we began a little yoga to try and loosen up before the trip.
Fast forward a couple of hours and I am sitting waist deep in a creek about a half mile off of a walking path, cradling a rock. Not just any rock. This rock was the mother of rocks and she shared so many secrets of the world with me. She told me that her and I are the same. We come from the same place, we go to the same place. She told me to trust because all I can do is be. I have no control over anything, maybe other people get that message without a rock telling them, I needed my Earthy mother. I sat with Mother Rock for awhile. I felt at one, not just with the world, but with every single thing in existence. It was beautiful. I was able to move through our energetic connection, allowing me to feel her. This is how she spoke to me, she spoke through us.
It was easily the most profound experience of my life at the time. I had never felt so clear. I had never felt so certain. Certain of my nothingness and everythingness. I had never been so without fear of the unknown. I strive for the safety I felt with Mother Rock everyday.
The day I brought my daughter into this world I felt this veil thin again. Not the veil of consciousness we often talk about, but a veil to the creator. To the divine creative force within all of us. This pure and blinding thing that was simultaneously a light, a sound, a smell, a taste, a feeling. It is that all consuming of an experience to be one with this energy.
This is God. This has got to be God.
Thank you for being here and allowing this space. Thank you for your humanity and kindness in this world. Below are some links to help you be able to make an impact in a few different ways. Remember, any step towards change is a step no matter how small! It is not just financial donations that may a difference, I made sure to include a couple different petitions and email campaigns you can participate in as well! We are not free until we are all free.
GoFundMe for Fadi's Son's Medical Expenses
GoFundMe to Help Save Mohammad's Family
Operation Olive Branches One Click Email Page
Code Pink's "Stop the $20 Billion Arms Deal to Israel" Email Campaign