A Month of Reflection: Day Seven
I'm going to keep talking about my first friends, my brother and sister. I am so proud that they are who my family is, that they were the first influencers in my life.
The thing about siblings is that they are childhood friends you can’t get rid of. Meaning they see your growth, the good, bad and ugly of it. No one has more dirt on you. There’s no one you have more dirt on. It’s this strange friendship, power struggle of being the coolest, smartest, most successful; while also witnessing each other make mistakes; whilst having our mistakes watched so needing to find grace, but also torment each other.
Even now as an adult I feel it, the struggle to be the “best” sibling, even if we know that is a ridiculous idea. I think it’s just engrained in our system to be fucking perfect all the time and compete for everything. So I find myself struggling to be authentic with them at times, Michael and Sarah. I worry judgement and/or jealous may be too woven into our, perhaps just my, subconscious. I worry if I share a success and they had a bad day, I will be seen as braggy. I worry if I share a bad day when they have also had a bad day then I will be trying to take the focus to myself. I worry if I share my bad when they’re good I’ll be bratty. All of this comes back to one thing I see. Me. See this is why we need to reflect people! Others are our mirrors.
Okay. So I need to reevaluate my perception of my relationship with my siblings. I need to release the judgement and jealousy to make more room for love. Easy. It’s not like they’re these incredibly smart and insightful humans who are actively working to make the world better or anything…fuck they totally are.
Sarah, for example, has traveled the world. She’s showed me how to experience it and learn from it. With it.
In fall of 2019 she headed to Taiwan to teach English to young children. I believe she worked with kids ages 3-5 years old-ish. She lived there through the global pandemic. You do not know my sister, she is a hypochondriac and germaphobe. I think I can say that, sorry Sarah if you didn’t know. The mental strength it took for her to survive that experience, and do so with a smile and with hope. It was beautiful to see.
She then came home in 2021 and started a job where she worked for a nonprofit teaching English to adult refugees. She worked with a large population of Arabs from Middle Eastern countries. Iran, Syria, Afghanistan. She met so many people. heard so many stories. Stories of true strength and resilience. Stories I feel honored to have had shared with me. It opened my eyes to so much of the world. There were things I had always know, like that brown people aren’t evil and the war in the Middle East was an huge American failure. I got to learn the deeper truths and intricacies.
I am so grateful because then when the current genocide became widespread news after October 7th, I wasn’t blind. I wasn’t ignorant. Moreso, I am grateful because I knew where to turn to receive guidance and knowledge.
If my sister hadn’t been the person she is: the person who seeks out people who differ from her, simply to prove that they really aren’t that different. She has truly been the biggest inspiration in my life when it comes to kindness and patience.
Upon reflection, right now, I’m realizing that maybe this is from the stories I shared in my previous post…about how I treated her when she was young and how I can see the fault in it that is mine. I think it again, it that judgment and jealousy. Consider it released. My sister is a fucking hero.
We grew up in Central New York, in a small town in CNY. Marcellus, it’s tiny and has more churches than parks. The JV football coach made his team lay on the graves of their ancestors at the ACTUAL Marcellus Cemetery because they lost their game to our school’s rival. It was very small town vibes, very American. Very white. Incredibly white. I can count the nonwhite people who graduated with me on my hands. Easily. And that was how the demographic was for every graduating class.
I share this to stress the point: it would have been easy for us to be shit people. A lot of the people I went to school with are bad people. Not bad people, small minded and uncultured. Some are racist though and I will emphasize that they are in fact bad. I know I have said some fucked up things while I grew up. I know I have stepped out of my lane and I know I have been offensive. Shane Dawson was still doing Sha-Nay-Nay and we were laughing our asses off to it. I didn’t see the danger in it until I was older. Much older. A joke is just a joke right? Comedy is always okay because of the intention behind it. Or is it?
I am certain my brother and sister have had similar experiences. I am sure they also laughed along at times, and I am sure they walked away at times. I am not saying this to make excuses or try to…hype us up. But, I can see the path that a lot of people that I lived my life with took, and I can see the horrible thought process to get there. I can empathize with being wrong. I have been wrong. My brother. My sister.
We are white. We are privileged. We are trying though. We are trying to make a difference. We are trying to…own our existence and share it. Use it for good and not evil. I am proud of that.
I have a lot of friends right now with people in their life who just voted away their rights. Who voted for someone who directly stands against their loved ones. That stands against humanity and our right to exist in safety, simply because we are living. I have a lot of friends entering a holiday season that will be full of that judgement and jealous and it will be…not justified, but valid I will say. They will feel afraid and voiceless.
I feel grateful my family is a family that fucks up. I am glad we are a family that is fucked up. I think it’s made us human. At least, watching them fuck up has kept me from being such a disappointment.
Thank you for reading and allowing me this space to share my thoughts and feelings. This world is getting harder to understand everyday, yet I continue to seek an understand. It’s the only way to keep the hope. Below are some links to help you keep the hope alive for others.
GoFundMe for Fadi's Son's Medical Expenses